pain

i want to feel
i want you to feel
i want you to feel pain
i want to always feel pain
i want to be the hole in the dike separating the city and the ocean of pain
i want to grow until the city is flooded
i want to grow until i am as large and vast as the sky
i want to bathe every being in pain until there is no pain

what would that look like?
what is a world where everyone is suffering?
what would be different?

tell me about hell
tell me what hell is like
tell me what hell looks like
tell me what happens to sinners
tell me are they flayed or stretched on the rack
tell me who gets to torture sinners
tell me is it angels or demons?

why would evil punish evil?
why shouldn't good punish evil?

there should be angels easing the arms of sinners out of
their sockets
their limbs that cracking with a small burst of blood
there should be angels delicately driving spikes into eyes until they have confessed everything they have and have not done

god make me that angel
god heaven for me would be an ocean of pain so great and wide my own would seem trivial

it would get lost in that ocean
it is a gift i have not asked for
it is a cancer on my soul

you who have brought so much death
you master
you god who would kill a beast in the field but spare the beast in the home
you god who asks for the lives of infinite beasts
you whose necessity is another's luxury
you whose luxury some would not dare dream
you Caligula
you who are born in the city of high walls
you builder of dikes

i am praying for a flood one day that will wash us up to the eyes
i am praying for a flood of water painfully clear that will one day wash us up to the eyes
i am praying for a flood we can watch

watch the pain we have spared ourselves for so long
watch it lift us up off the ground into fire or ice

i am praying for a flood