the will of the water

when do i get back to the project of being the person i am
when may i make public my miseries
in between flavorless chores wherein i realize my miseries must remain private
and all misery should be private
misery is the solitude of singular suffering
where even the most earnest efforts of others drift away
and again I see my pain is common
at the scale of all things it is nothing
just a stomach ache or skin rash from something only I am allergic to

there's the idea that the sum of all physical mass on earth has been constant since pangea
or that the infinite universe is still growing
and beside that my experiences now seem superficial
comfortably insignificant 
a random concentration of energy perceived in either particles or waves
and me the sole observer
the one whose entire purpose is to feel and act
on the grand stage of
the show designed with me in mind
and it's when i'm at my most shortsighted
that i am the easiest to provide for
getting what I want
but never what I really want
eating everything and tasting nothing

so what about the project of being the person i am?
why give me this idea?
why the fuss about freedom and actualization?
manifesting a better version of myself?

too much incidental brutality for my tastes
let's just call it what it is
a funhouse with one exit and one way to get to it
i'm always willing to accept the truth or the next best thing
the idea that the trajectory of my life is predetermined
that i am a particle carried upon the crest of a wave
driven less by my will than the will of the water

don't poison me with hope
place me in a wicker basket and set me adrift