not jeff

Someone calls you the wrong name and you wonder if that man exists somewhere
does he look like me is he walking around in a tshirt does he mow lawns
my doppleganger
jeffrey james
am i spelling that right because i don't even know how to spell jeffrey
because it's such a dumb fucking name
no matter if it's with a j or a geo
and you look me in the eye and say 'hey jeff'
you thought i was a jeff
some fucking jeff plays a dumb looking shitty gutitar with old strings
dresses like he listens to electronic music
cuts his own hair
has had different goatees over the years
maybe a soul patch
tried to convince his parents to buy a saturn when he was 16
some boor you bump into at a shitty crowded bar on your hasty way out
well no
that is not me
my name is jeremy
i usually go by jeremy
and listen jeff
the world had much cooler shit going on when your two loser parents
fell out of touch with reality and named you something like that
you must have been born premature
or something more sinister
something to make your parents believe you would be a stain on their life
so they named you jeff
and made a silent pact before they got home from the hospital
they promised that they would do whatever they could
to keep you from turning into the person you wanted to be
they took you to a thousand helpless doctors
their friends kept telling them how lucky they were
to have a piece of shit like you to call 'son'
and it drove them mad
they hated each other
they never let you know why
because it was you
they stayed together because
they knew to fight over who was forced to raise you
would be like fighting over life in hell
and having to bear witness to that
would turn you into something even less tolerable
so they stayed
and hated each other
and hated you
they were very outspoken
and when we first met
i saw the thing they were scared you would become
and you are it
only you are meaner and uglier and in your presence fate seems cruel
so no
i am not jeff

jeff's not even that bad a name
it's just i know specifically the person who gets conjured up when someone gets my name wrong
if it happens three times in a row he will materialize and believe me
my name is jeremy
it is sewn to my chest
but that jeffrey guy with my face?
he's a real piece of shit
so take another good look at me
so next time we talk
jeff doesn't open his big fucking mouth and say something mean