i only smoke when i'm sad

 

what's another skinned knee?
another lap around the weekend?

another chance to conquer nothing

and give in to the comfort of not changing?

well i have risked life and lung

for a chance at cheating grief

death take me seven minutes sooner

spare me the lecture

what’s the harm in letting myself give in

so long as i dont give up

i cling to life like a sailor thrown from his vessel

who happens upon some buoyant wreckage

the wreckage clings to me, it is me 

we're flotsam and jetsam

if it makes you sad to see me devoured

think of the wonderful meal i made

food for the celestial Crab

who never goes hungry

eaten by a monster sounds majestic

drowned at sea so common

i only stop swimming

when i can't see land

if you could smell my breath

you would learn my secret

I would tell you this much

I only smoke when I’m sad

in my heart, besides smoke

there is nothing

like a cigarette, im done with this one

i can light another

i only swim when i start to drown

i only smoke when im sad

feelings dump

i'm sad

i've made you so angry

and i barely know why

and you told me why

and i can't tell you why

i just say how ok things are going to be

after this

and you are upset

and are tired of telling me why you are upset

more than tired

exasperated

and i'm so scared i'm going to lose you

and i've already lost you

and i can't tell if i've lost you to me

or to yourself

but either way you're coming to get the rest of your stuff

and i called you and wanted only to hear your voice

to tell you that i loved you

and instead told you how scared i was

and you told me i was right to be

because i don't know why you're upset

i thought i'd get a little hope from hearing your voice

i didnt

your mind is already made up

about how i don't listen

and i feel li-

wait

it doesn't matter

my fear 

because it's over

it's just one more over thing

and i tried to make myself cry and almost did

but couldn't

i put on the saddest song

with more poetry than i could muster

a leonard cohen song 

well i came close

but what do i know?

no literally

what do i know?

do i know things will be ok and we will be back

or do i know that the first part is true regardless of the second

well i do know that

things will be ok

fuck 

they are going to be so ok

it will make everything seem so small

someday

and new love will heal old wounds

someday

and my capacity for love is not diminished by its loss

it grows

sooner than i think

i'll be so much better than i am now

look

check it out

i didn't even cry

i barely feel anything