so i don't really write

and i hate to say why i don't , but i need to.

i'm just a little bit terrified. of what? of everything. and i know saying everything is the same as not saying anything, so i'm gonna try and get a little more specific.

i'm afraid everything i say will be undercut with humor. i'm a pretty funny guy, and most people like me because i'm friendly and i really do enjoy interacting with people and i'm pretty good at making people laugh or smile, and that's something i've always liked about myself. i try not to isolate anyone based on their politics or ethnicity or social group or anything else. (i try to isolate them based on their actions, but that's another story) i think i do this because i know how it feels to be isolated because of my beliefs. or even worse, beliefs that weren't really mine. that's something i should probably get around to getting over.

i've always been afraid of only being liked for my sense of humor. i guess this is what every smart pretty girl is afraid of, only being liked for her looks. well i'm afraid of only being liked for my humor. i mean i know i can be funny and likable by many people, (don't roll your eyes fuck you i'm trying to be serious) and that can be exploited by people and that can attract the wrong people. you've seen the lotus eaters that go to comedy clubs and like dane cook. they're fucking scary. people that only wanna laugh? good god they're the worst people in the world. spectators of the lowest degree.

in as much as writing is always something i've felt i've been pretty good at, i've always had this idea hanging over my head that writing is a grueling process that drives men to kill themselves. maybe we can call it kurt cobain syndrome. (you see right there? i put a maybe behind that sentence. i'm also gonna watch out for undercutting adverbs and other self-deprecating words). So if writing is this grueling process that drives the greatest minds to off themselves, why do it?

All I care about is art and politics and I only care about them because I think they affect and reflect the world we live in and if something isn't gonna benefit society it should be on the cutting room floor. i'm sorry for being so ruthless but let's face it: giving everything credence and respecting everything anyone does just degrades everything that actually worth appreciating.

You know how things are, or at least how I think things are, I think things are bad. I think they've been getting bad and we're all the frog boiling in water. I just get a little gunshy about calling things out.

There are enough people doing the calling out, the world doesn't need one more voice pointing a finger, because we all know what happens when we point fingers. For every finger I've ever pointed there's been at least one pointing back at me. We know what happens when people poke fingers at the government-- the government points back and they like pointing guns more than fingers.

But lets not get too political, even though I do care about politics.

Let's start with things people do. Things I do, maybe you do, maybe a girl you work with does it, whatever.

ok, let's actually start with an anecdote about work. we all have jobs, and we've all felt this way before.

I've been working at my job for 7 years. I know how to do pretty much everything. I've seen the store run poorly and i've seen the store run well. Forgive me if you actually work with me and see me slacking off sometimes, but when it comes down to it I know my shit.

When things are running bad, the store has poor morale, people get snippy, there's infighting, discontent, etc. It's the proverbial downward spiral. Shitty store affects morale, morale makes the store shitty, etc.

One of the things I see people do in order to avoid the discomfort of actually having to put in real work is work on a little pet project of theirs. I do it too. If I don't feel like putting out bananas or filling up bagged salad, I'll write more order. The secret to not getting told what to do is to be doing something when they try to get you to do something. This is my favorite rule of slacking because ultimately it's not slacking. I mean it's not like I'm painting my nails or balancing my checkbook on the clock, right? But let's get one thing straight: there's a time to slack and a time to work. I don't avoid the bigger projects when they fall to me, but if I'm assigned to one I demand the resources I need to accomplish them. Things like time, occasionally assistance, whatever equipment and space, etc. I keep my needs simple and grounded.

Where was I... pet projects.

I work at a grocery store, and the most important thing at a grocery store is getting the corn on the shelf. God when you say it like that it sounds like the easiest job on the world. Like the job a sundial has of telling time. It doesn't know what it's doing, it's a piece of rock with another piece of rock on it for fuck's sake. Well this particular grocery store has more in common with swiss watches than sundials. You might meet or work with a few morons who insist that it's the other way around, but that's the problem with some things, people who don't do it always underestimate how easy it is. (like a bad sports fans and backseat drivers sortof)

People do pet projects like making their own personal section look as nice as it can be. Maybe they go off and start some other task that, while not objectively unworthy, might not be the best course of action as far as actually accomplishing the things that need to be accomplished.

And that's why I don't write. Did you see that coming? Do I need to explain that?

I don't want to be another asshole working on some pet project while the world goes to shit. Can I say something you might not expect to hear? I've been feeling pretty patriotic lately. I love the freedoms america was founded on and i hate when they're taken away.

I'm smart. I know I'm smart. Not only am I smart, but I'm motivated to change things. Not just certain things, but everything. Things about myself, my room, my house, my street, my town, my county, my state, my country, my continent, my planet.

It's the job of good-natured average individuals to show up to work on time and do what is expected of them. It is the job of intelligent benevolent human beings to make sure what people are doing is not bad.

But that's too ambitious for me. It's too ambitious for everyone. I don't want to lead some children's crusade against the american government. I don't want to lead any kind of children's crusade. (it's amazing to me how many things I think about the world weasels it's way into my work ethic, but i guess it's not that amazing because that's a symptom of integrity and pardon my boldness but i can exhibit a large degree of integrity)

I don't want to be writing the script for the next Judd Apatow movie or making some slack-jawed yokel laugh at black people or making grad students laugh at a president they can't do anything to stop.

I want to contribute. I want to make good things happen for good people. I want my motives to be trusted.

But to do it, I need to lead a children's crusade. I need to point some fingers, I need to make a blog in a world that's been blogged to death. I need to be the still small voice in a cacophony of still small voices. (bible references still sneak in)

Writing can be my children's crusade. it can be my pet project. why? because things are bad in a way that it is beyond me to fix. but maybe if i just contribute positively to whatever I am involved in somehow things will butterfly effect into something good for someone. someone said once that it's better to do evil than to do nothing. well, that's debatable.

a phrase I like better is "it's better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission". I like that one, at least how I employ it. I wouldn't tell that to a kid with a hard on on prom night but I think I can use it to help me write.

I can forgive myself for making people laugh and making life a little more bearable, even if those people don't respect me or they harbor beliefs I don't agree with. I don't need my ego stroked.

i'm straying...

anyways...

i'f i'm ever gonna write anything it's gonna be at a time in my life when my resources allow it. and i don't mean just money, i mean inspiration as a resource, time as a resource. y'know, the little things i demand at work to do what they expect of me.

anyways... we're not at work anymore. there's more on the line here. work ends when i punch out and if i'm terrible at my job my job is all i have to lose. life never quits though, and if i'm terrible at life i'll lose my fucking mind.

stay tuned for some finger pointing. i can't say what's good, but i can say what's not good. (don't ever try and discuss what's universally good.)

goodnight internet.
i start work tomorrow.