i only smoke when i'm sad

 

what's another skinned knee?
another lap around the weekend?

another chance to conquer nothing

and give in to the comfort of not changing?

well i have risked life and lung

for a chance at cheating grief

death take me seven minutes sooner

spare me the lecture

what’s the harm in letting myself give in

so long as i dont give up

i cling to life like a sailor thrown from his vessel

who happens upon some buoyant wreckage

the wreckage clings to me, it is me 

we're flotsam and jetsam

if it makes you sad to see me devoured

think of the wonderful meal i made

food for the celestial Crab

who never goes hungry

eaten by a monster sounds majestic

drowned at sea so common

i only stop swimming

when i can't see land

if you could smell my breath

you would learn my secret

I would tell you this much

I only smoke when I’m sad

in my heart, besides smoke

there is nothing

like a cigarette, im done with this one

i can light another

i only swim when i start to drown

i only smoke when im sad

feelings dump

i'm sad

i've made you so angry

and i barely know why

and you told me why

and i can't tell you why

i just say how ok things are going to be

after this

and you are upset

and are tired of telling me why you are upset

more than tired

exasperated

and i'm so scared i'm going to lose you

and i've already lost you

and i can't tell if i've lost you to me

or to yourself

but either way you're coming to get the rest of your stuff

and i called you and wanted only to hear your voice

to tell you that i loved you

and instead told you how scared i was

and you told me i was right to be

because i don't know why you're upset

i thought i'd get a little hope from hearing your voice

i didnt

your mind is already made up

about how i don't listen

and i feel li-

wait

it doesn't matter

my fear 

because it's over

it's just one more over thing

and i tried to make myself cry and almost did

but couldn't

i put on the saddest song

with more poetry than i could muster

a leonard cohen song 

well i came close

but what do i know?

no literally

what do i know?

do i know things will be ok and we will be back

or do i know that the first part is true regardless of the second

well i do know that

things will be ok

fuck 

they are going to be so ok

it will make everything seem so small

someday

and new love will heal old wounds

someday

and my capacity for love is not diminished by its loss

it grows

sooner than i think

i'll be so much better than i am now

look

check it out

i didn't even cry

i barely feel anything

infinite jerm

im allowed to notes app on the train

i can do anything

i am limitless

infinite

my thoughts are in the trees

and the birds have come down

to perch on my ribs

heres the thing:

when i have a reason to feel bad

i can feel bad

and speak on it

and say what i need to say

and hear what i need to hear

and still feel bad

and life is so short

and this recovery longer than i like

and to err against someone so good

is no small thing

but this thing

against everything else of ours

is just that

small

and its a tiny pill

a pinch and plunge

that shrinks the tumor;

heals the sick

that and time

like time

i am unlimited

thankfully

my regret is not

i staunch the wound

but not the pain

Friendsgiving 2024

I have

but paws and claws A little pink nose And some teeth I dare to bare

I am not like my stinky kin I only keep the shiny bits

I’m building something small and rank A tiny castle underground

I’m scouring the wreck to find Some fluff  to stuff your king sized bed

You like that right? You want a big ol bed to stretch your weary limbs

I get it even though I only need an empty can of beans

I lost a finger when I tried to snatch a marble pink and sweet

It was a lollipop but for a sec it seemed like something pure

A little something I could use to top the headboard of your bed

Or maybe something even better anything I think you’d like

My special friend You’re here with me and now I know that you are mine

Come take a look at all the things I found that look like things you’d like

I found the inside of a locket It’s a picture of a man

Who was he? I don’t know I only know it’s old and worn and loved

And if you hold it to your heart your heart will swell and jump for joy

I do these things for you because I have to do these things for you

I make the women jump on chairs and make the eyes of men grow wide

That’s fine i don’t expect the understanding I think i deserve

My parents carried plague and ate their young I hope that I’ve evolved

The thing i want to say is watch me frolic through the city streets

Come watch me climb a chair and steal a scrap of food so i can eat

Come watch me make a pile of beads so i can macrame some art

To hang upon the wall above your king sized bed so you can sleep

Under the art i made for you and think of me and think of us

You found me at a funny time i didn’t think i had a chance

The world was garbage filth and trash and me a small ignoble pest

Now look at me now look at us i’ll have a king sized bed for you

I made a picture it’s the two of us we’re smiling bright and wide

Just you though I don’t think my teeth are all that great theyre pretty sharp

And i know how most people think of them as riddled with disease

So keep this secret it’s a king sized bed above a tiny nest

A can of beans for me sleep beneath you list’ning to you snore

My special friend i’ve trod through puddle waded filth in wrist high pools

I’ve dragged my belly through the broken glass you see along the curb

I’m full of life i’m full of love i’m thrilled to have me at your side

I think you’re swell.

Gratitude

This prompt feels like cheating.

Gratitude.

Let me tell you what I think about gratitude: it's completely artificial. There's nothing natural about it. A squirrel doesn't eat a nut and think "I am so grateful for this nut". All it knows is nut.

All I know is nut.

All I know is feel bad.

Gratitude. How many scoff at it? Them and their little ungrateful hearts and minds. I can hear them scoffing from afar. Someone should hand them a scoff drop. That's a pun. OK we've told our joke, we can be serious now.

Gratitude.

No such thing. It's one of countless concepts that exist only to human beings but that doesn't make it non-existent. What I'm trying to say is this:

If you've heard me speak for more than a few minutes you'll know how I feel about gratitude and the brain. The brain is hardwired to carve into stone any misfortune to keep it from happening again. There is an evolutionary advantage in remembering the bad things that happened to you so you can avoid them. Thus, we must make a point out of being grateful for the things we have to feel grateful about.

This can be that. This thing I'm writing right here. Possibly reading aloud to you. 

I can do that. Gratitude meditations. I can do them. It's quite possible that I've been doing them while you're speaking to me. You're going on about whatever the hell you think it is that's so important to you and there I am feeling grateful about something. Hell, I could even be doing it right now. I'm not. Probably. But if I were, you'd have no idea whether or not I was or wasn't.

I feel grateful.

I'll expound.

You remember what I said before about the hardwired brain? Well, I have a brain. I like my brain but a brain it is. That is to say it carves into stone all the terrible things that have happened to me. That's what I really want to write about. The trauma.I don't think I've had a particularly hard life but there are things that have happened to me that continue to happen. I've suffered vicariously through the terrible things that befell people I care about deeply. I don't need to do that, but I do. I grew up some wacky Christian millenarian. We don't have to talk about it. 

What I know more than anything is that I'm older now and I don't want to hear about anything bad that happened to anyone ever again. Some people have their trauma laid out on serving platters like finger sandwiches for you to snack on and all they ask for in return is sympathy and some understanding that if they're not where they should be in life it's because of the bad things that have happened to them. What they don't tell you is that they're not interested in your finger sandwiches and that they're not willing to offer the same understanding. I've had conversations that felt like the other party was just dying to one-up me about whatever it was they had been through.

I surrender.

Take it. 

Whatever I've been through wasn't so bad because I'm here with you all. I said something like this out loud at work once. Somebody was bitching about being at work. I think I asked some legitimate question like 'what's your favorite school subject' and they said 'recess'. I know it's work and work sucks but also and more importantly if there's somewhere else you would rather be I suggest you run there and never come back.

What I said to this miserable son of a bitch was some version of this: I know for a fact that at some point in the next week I will experience something so joyous, so divine, so wonderful, that it will have made everything I have gone through from the dawn of man to date somehow worth it. 

I mean that. 

I think that's a healthy way to think.

In 1999 someone I was at college with wondered "what if we wake up every day with a collection of memories that we think are ours but aren't?" That really stuck with me. What if all my trauma is just pictures in a book that might not even be mine? Memory is tricky. My childhood was mostly analogue up until my teenage years. I believe in my heart most everything not archived digitally will someday be lost. More on that later, maybe.

I guess I can talk a lot of shit about gratitude because I'm in love, but believe me when I say the circumstances of this love would leave a lot to be desired for most people and it puts me at odds with them and to me it is a love and pure and brilliant as a pure carbon crystal and to them it is some great capitulation in the war against loneliness. We don't have to talk about it. The important thing here is that it was no accident. I didn't accidentally become who I am and I didn't accidentally accept love and while I have known failure and missed opportunity I have also known success. One of my favorite thing's I've ever thought is this: love isn't rare, people who know what to do with it are. I believe that. I believe that very much because I almost left this love to die wailing in the rain like an abandoned infant. I didn't. I accepted grace. I worked on it. 

I'm really happy about that. Grateful, even.

When I left my last relationship I didn't think to myself "Sure am glad I have failed at love" I thought "I am glad I now have the opportunity to find something better for myself". 

Wait, there's more.

I wish I failed more. I wish I tried and failed but I was scared to fail. I didn't want my fears confirmed. As long as I never tried I would never have to know failure but if I could do it all over I would fail five times a day for as long as I lived. Let me be clear: I have very few regrets. It is not the lack of regret that has given me gratitude it is my gratitude that has expunged my regret.

Shame, embarrassment, humility, anger (oh god, so much anger). Each of these, no stranger to me. But what is the thing that has crippled my will? What is the thing that has kept me from investing my time and energy? Where do you spend your blood and is the blood you spend lost forever? How do you heal? Do you know how to heal? What is the thing that has kept you from being the most you that you have ever been and why haven't you sawn it off and tossed it into the fire?

Greater minds than mine have mused upon risk/reward. The votes are in. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. That's what this is about.

Look at the room I'm in. I'm imagining I'm reading this aloud to several people, most of whom I've just met in the past two years? I'm almost 44. I have known lots of people. Who the hell are you to think you mean anything to me? We're coworkers? I've worked with more people than I'll ever remember. I don't need you. Any of you could drop dead at any minute and the sadness would come and go.

Which is to say:

I am so fucking happy. I have found so much love in this world. Most of it is no longer with me. That's ok. Love isn't rare, but people who know what to do with it are. I can say truly that I have love in me for anyone hearing me speak these words. I do. Fuck it. Take my blood, I have plenty. I'm talking to you directly and I'm going to stop and look you in the eye and say your name. Starting from the left.

I just handed you blood. How do you feel? You don't need to know what to do with it. You shouldn't really do anything with it. It's a gesture. It's a metaphor. I don't need anything back. I promise. You can leave it on the train, you can put it in a bag and forget to put it in your new bag and give the old bag to Goodwill. 

I'm telling you that I love you and I can say that because it just gives me more to be grateful for. 

I'm not everybody's favorite. People have reasons to not like me and they're entitled to those reasons the way a pack rat is entitled to a palace of filth. That sounds judgmental and it is. I would not begrudge anyone their opinion. 

Let me say some more things:

There's just a good a chance that I am somebody's version of the worst person in the world.

There's someone out there who would rather burn alive than walk a mile in my shoes.

but also

There's more than a good chance someone I care about cares about me just as much as I care about them and while I can never prove that beyond their word I can accept it and act as if it's true.

Also, I could be living out someone's fantasy. Someone could be aching to trade places with me. 

I'm okay with who I am. I'm more than okay with who I am. I like me. I love me. I think I'm worthy of love and I thought that before I had it but to be honest I thought it more every time I found it. 

I'm gonna wrap it up now.

This is the work.

Scour the trash heap for shiny bits and turn them into jewelry for people you care for.

Fail every day.

Do not deprive the world of you and do not deprive yourself of the world.

The hate will make itself known. You must find love.

The work is if there is something in your life you do not have you must make your life a place where the thing you want can survive. If you have desire let it motivate you to act.

The worst thing to do is nothing.

Amen.

The Jacob Barnsley 2nd draft

 On August 1st 2024 the Jacob Barnsley pushed off out of Gloucester under clear skies through thick summer air. On board were Captain James Duschene, a crew of twenty-eight, and twelve college students on a "Summer Ambassador Program". The program was a semester at sea intended to last thirty days. The ship was marked for interception by US Coast Guard legend-class cutter the USCGC Berquist after the university noticed deviation from its intended course without communication. The Coast Guard believed themselves to be taking part in a standard search and rescue. They came upon the Jacob Barnsley under a moon drenched starless night sky. 

She was boarded and searched by Chief Petty Officer Donald Stratton, Seamen Keith Carlson and Josiah Battle. They found no living person on board. Among the personal possessions recovered was a black marble notebook belonging to 20-year old Dana Stratton of Sayville, New York. She had presumably intended to use it to chronicle her time on board the Jacob Barnsley with her boyfriend. This would be the only lead as to what exactly transpired that night.

*

I'M A SAILOR I'M A SAILOR I'M A SAILOR! omgomgomgomgomg this is HAPPENING i am a SAILOR I am on a BOAT I am gonna SLEEP and EAT on a BOAT and I'm NEVER COMING HOME! Ok... I'll probably come home. I already miss you (you were right about that) and I miss my cat (more than you but you get it) and I miss you and I'm the KING OF THE WORLD!!! By the way, the urge to do that on a boat gets much stronger the closer you get to the bow. The bow is the front of the ship by the way. By the way, I'm not sure how true this is, but I get the feeling one of the worst things you can do is call that the "front of the boat". No real sailor would do that. Port, starboard, below deck... all super important. 

It didn't take that long for us to be so far away we can't see land. Shocking a little for me actually. Maybe a lot. I'm not gonna think about it. I'm definitely gonna think about it. Thinking about it right now as a matter of fact. 

Julia does in fact get to bunk with me which is a little bit perfect for all the reasons in the world. It's just nice because this room is so small and without Daisy to perk her head up at any little noise I don't think I could sleep as well. So Julia is my hearing-ear human and she's fine with that. Her signing has gotten so much better I barely need to slow down anymore. She even signed some things I've never seen and showed me a bunch of Tik Toks that have been helping her feel a little more confident. 

SO much to say. The SKY is so DARK! Do you know how many friggin stars there are? I wish there was a happy medium between seeing every star and seeing no stars because I've been trying to find Aries and I think I found it at least three times in three different places and I don't even think it's in the sky right now. It's not. I just googled it. It's not. The wifi here is terrible btw. I hate it here and I want to go home.  

Thank you again for the little book. Very cutesy. This probably will be better than me sea dumping on you as soon as I get home and you were right about the pen. Turns out the service does suck and this could probably be all emails but this pennn is soooooooooooo fun to write with. Feels good. Okay. I love you. Goodnight.

*

Maybe not goodnight just yet. Things feel weird. It's just me and Julia in here and she had her airpods in and I thought she was like dancing or tapping her foot to something but when I looked down her foot was shaking like I don't even know. I thought maybe she was having a seizure but she just had her hands in fists on her ears and I think she was crying?? Probably homesick. I tried to get her attention but that wasn't working so I hopped down and shook her arm and she just kinda bundled up even tighter. Fetal position. She just kept her fists against her ears for what seemed like forever but was probably only a couple of minutes but a couple minutes of weird is an eternity. I'm back on the top bunk now obviously. I think she calmed down.

aaand she just ran out the door.

* 

back again. So I got up to close the door because whatever emergency was happening meant don't close the door behind you. Maybe she's seasick. That's a thing. Probably sea and homesick. We're moving along but not really side to side. I should go see if she's okay. Then again she was being really weird to me and she knows how I feel about doors on ships being open. Not good.

I'll give her a few minutes then maybe check up on her but I know if it was me crying or puking I wouldn't want me chasing after me immediately. We're both adults mostly. Maybe I'll just "brush my teeth" and maybe just see a little bit how she's doing and she can tell me all about it. She'll probably want to sign but between me and you I would love if she would just let me read her lips. Her possibly pukey lips. Her hands better be clean. She said the fingers were the lips of the hands the other day and I laughed my ass off. You had to be there. Maybe I bring her towel with me but then there goes the plan because how do I have her towel with me when I'm innocently brushing my teeth? 

*

She wasn't there. Sorry, it's later. She wasn't there she wasn't in the bathroom. I walked back and I can't explain it but everything is starting to feel a little off. We're not exactly encouraged to go wandering off on our own after dark and for every reason you can think of I don't want to go off by myself. Maybe she's just being dramatic. She's super uptight about some things I can imagine her looking off for some other bathroom to puke in or going outside to puke over the side of the ship, but they were huge dicks about throwing stuff off the side of the ship and that includes puke. I know for a fact it has more to do with puke stains than littering. Would she go looking for me? Of course she would. She's my hearing-ear human ffs! Ugh. Okay. Here goes. 

*

I DON'T KNOW WHERE ANYBODY IS. EVERYBODY'S JUST NOT ANYWHERE. I didn't look everywhere but there are lots of open doors and a lot of empty rooms. Maybe they all went out to look at something? Maybe they're all puking? There was Alex and Garrett across from us, Girl Alex and Shannon next to them and Dan and Tristan next to us and NOBODY is IN THEIR ROOM. A macbook was open, phones on the bed, just POOF. I don't know what to do. Daisy would never do this to me.  

*

I can not. I don't even know how to begin to tell you anything at all. I don't want to tell you anything at all. I just want it to be over. I don't know. I don't know what happened I don't know if it's over but there is something very fucking creepy happening and it's too much to write but I'm losing my shit and there's absolutely no way I'm falling asleep any time soon and I can't not watch the door and I can't just stare at the door. 

Julia came back. She came back and she was talking so fast I couldn't tell what she was saying. Her hands were moving so fast I thought she was signing but she wasn't she was just very very excited about something. She was gone probably not even that long but it felt like forever and I don't know if writing this makes it feel more or less real so just if you're reading this and it doesn't make a lot of sense just imagine how I feel writing this all down on a ship in the ocean and you just watched a couple people jump into the ocean and you're hiding from your friend because she's absolutely lost it.

She comes back and she runs to me and her eyes are the size of the moon. They're huge and they look a little cloudy in a very not normal way and she's just trying to drag me out of the room but I fight her off and try and get her to tell me where everybody is and what's going on and she can barely stop fidgeting. So she's talking and signing and eventually I get her to just say what she's trying to say because she kept trying to sign things she didn't know and the words weren't exactly much clearer either. She gets calm enough and she tells me that I need to come outside and see it. She couldn't explain it but something like because I couldn't hear it I would have to come see it. That it would all make sense when I saw it but it was a shame that I couldn't hear it because then she wouldn't even have to be talking to me about it. She said if she didn't have her airpods in she could have heard it clearer. I'm just like in shock. SHE is supposed to be the normal one! She's so fucking boring all the time and now she's finally enthusiastic about something and it's whatever THIS is. Apparently it was some noise. So like, in desperation I'm like 'yes sure I'll come with you' and I start to follow her and when I say she was RUNNING it's because she RAN from the room to outside. So I'm keeping up with her a little bit just so she's not out of my sight and we get outside and she tells me to wait because there are a few more. I'm just thinking "a few more of what exactly?" but before I can even say anything she's running around like a maniac.

She comes back with two dudes I have never seen before and they both seem a little out of it but definitely one more than the other. I'm sitting against the wall wondering why I didn't just run back to the room but I don't know, I felt like if I waited for her to come back maybe things would settle down or maybe the people she was coming to get would know what the hell happened but of course they didn't. She gets back with these two dudes and kinda has us stand in a row with our backs against the wall and she stood in front of us. One dude had airpods in still and the other had those noise cancelling headphones around his neck. He seemed a little more normal but definitely we both were wondering what the fuck.  

She's in front of us now and she's talking to the airpods guy and I'm getting like every other word but she's saying something about what he received and asking if he heard enough. Then she points into the sky and says "There. Look there" and by this time her eyes are just white and everything is just so fucking intense. I barely want to look but airpods guy is STARING at the sky. Julia goes to the next guy and asks 'are you receiving anything' and he looks at me and he has no idea what to fucking do about anything and neither do I. I'm trying to talk to him but all I can really manage that I think he'd understand is "I don't know" which I say like twelve times. He looks at me because I think he finally gets that not only can I not hear but we are as clueless as one another about whatever the hell is happening. 

That's about as far as he made it. 

Julia looks back at airpods guy and says something and airpods guy gets behind headphones dude and has both his arms around him from the back. Eyes white as ice cream. He's saying something like "it's okay it's okay you'll be fine" and he's also looking pretty fucking happy and he's backing up toward the rail and at this point I am fully freaked out so I start backing up in case I need to run from this dude and before I can even figure out anything at all he leans back and flips over the side of the ship into the fucking water. WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN AND HE JUST JUMPS IN HOLDING THAT OTHER GUY. 

Me and Julia stare over the side and I look at her and she looks THRILLED and I can tell my mouth is just wide open because of whatever we just watched combined with however she's acting and the water barely looks like water. It looked like an ocean of something else. Like anemones. Like imagine the ship is in an island of humongous spiky black tentacles made of black light and you wouldn't even be able to see them if they weren't moving. I look at Julia and she looks at me and now she's just smiling laughing almost crying like she's so happy. She gestures to the sky again and signs "Look" and I don't even know what to do so I look and the sky is pretty normal except between the moon and the horizon there's a spot with no stars and a dark spot in the middle. It was pretty beautiful thinking back at it now but at the time I look at Julia and I'm so fucking scared and now she's trying to tell me things like "better this way" "this is it" "i swear this is good" "ascension" "higher level" and I don't know when I started but I just ran back to the room and somehow made it and I felt the door and could feel her banging on it and haven't felt to see if she was still banging but I'm so fucking scared and I don't know what to do except I can't go to sleep and what the fuck was anything I just saw???

So there was the eyes of airpods guy, the whole jumping into the ocean murder I just witnessed, the black island of anemones and the little hole in the sky. And what Julia is doing or wants from me I have no idea but I'm pretty sure she wants me thrown into the ocean. She might even want to be in the ocean herself but she must have seen those humongous anemone arms. There was no splash. They just kinda landed and floated and the arms took them in. Airpods guy first because headphones dude was flailing around but eventually a tentacle around his head and he stopped kicking and down he goes.

*

I'm still half watching the door. I can't feel anything behind it. She probably jumped in. I feel like she jumped in. She must have.  

I keep thinking of that hole in the sky. I know I'm not the best at words but that's all I can see it as. Like a tiny eclipse. Maybe the size of a dime but all black with light around the edges. Beautiful light. The light of all colors. Just dancing. I keep thinking about the hole and I feel the hole and I feel the light dancing around the edges and I feel it in the center of my chest. I can feel the hole and I can feel the beautiful light dancing around it like my heart is wrapped in silk. So warm. The hole is so warm. I feel like I have wings. Big warm wings. I'm crying. I locked myself in this room and meanwhile there's a big hole in the sky that's singing and saying the most beautiful things to everyone who can hear it and oh my God I can HEAR IT and here's me locking myself inside to protect myself against who? Julia? She loves me she will always love me. I can feel that as well as anything and I know what we want. We want the same thing. We're made of the same stuff. We were so lucky to be on this ship.

I'm going to go outside. I need to introduce myself to it. It's not a hole at all. It has so much to teach us, so much to show us. I can feel it. It's bigger now. It's closer to us. 

It seemed to scary but it isn't. 

It feels so right.

Everything is going to be ok.

I think we're safe.

The Jacob Barnsley

 On August 1st 2024 the  Jacob Barnsley pushed off out of Gloucester under clear skies through thick summer air. On board were Captain James Duschene, a crew of twenty-eight, and twelve college students on a "Summer Ambassador Program". The program was a semester at sea intended to last thirty days. The tallship was three days out and averaging a speed of 5 knots when a distress call went out that was picked up by US Coast Guard legend-class cutter the USCGC Berquist. The Jacob Barnsley was silent save for the distress call and the Coast Guard believed themselves to be taking part in a standard search and rescue. They came upon the Jacob Barnsley with all her sails down drifting far off course. 

She was boarded and searched by Chief Petty Officer Donald Stratton, Seamen Keith Carlson and Josiah Battle. They found no living person on board. Among the personal possessions recovered was a black marble notebook belonging to 20-year old Dana Stratton of Sayville, New York. She had presumably intended to use it to chronicle her time on board the Jacob Barnsley with her boyfriend. She was able to write only three nights' worth. This would be the only lead as to what exactly happened to the crew of the ship.

8/1/2024:

I'M A SAILOR I'M A SAILOR I'M A SAILOR! omgomgomgomgomg this is HAPPENING i am a SAILOR I am on a BOAT I am gonna SLEEP and EAT on a BOAT and I'm NEVER COMING HOME! Ok... I'll probably come home. I already miss you (you were right about that) and I miss my cat (more than you but you get it) and I miss you and I'm the KING OF THE WORLD!!! By the way, the urge to do that on a boat gets much stronger the closer you get to the bow. The bow is the front of the ship by the way. By the way, I'm not sure how true this is, but I get the feeling one of the worst things you can do is call that the "front of the boat". No real sailor would do that. Port, starboard, below deck... all super important. 

It didn't take that long for us to be so far away we can't see land. Shocking a little for me actually. Maybe a lot. I'm not gonna think about it. I'm definitely gonna think about it. Thinking about it right now as a matter of fact. 

Julia does in fact get to bunk with me which is a little bit perfect for all the reasons in the world. It's just nice because this room is so small and without Daisy to perk her head up at any little noise I don't think I could sleep as well. So she is my hearing-ear human and she's fine with that. Her signing has gotten so much better I barely need to slow down anymore. She even signed some things I've never seen and showed me a bunch of Tik Toks that have been helping her feel a little more confident. 

SO much to say. The SKY is so DARK! Do you know how many friggin stars there are? I wish there was a happy medium between seeing every star and seeing no stars because I've been trying to find Aries and I think I found it at least three times in three different places and I don't even think it's in the sky right now. It's not. I just googled it. It's not. The wifi here is terrible btw. I hate it here and I want to go home.  

Thank you again for the little book. Very cutesy. This probably will be better than me sea dumping on you as soon as I get home and you were right about the pen. Turns out the service does suck and this could probably be all emails but this pennn is soooooooooooo fun to write with. Feels good. Okay. I love you. Goodnight.

*

Maybe not goodnight just yet. Things feel weird. It's just me and Julia in here and she had her airpods in and I thought she was like dancing or tapping her foot to something but when I looked down her foot was shaking like I don't even know. I thought maybe she was having a seizure but she just had her hands in fists on her ears and I think she was crying?? Probably homesick. I tried to get her attention but that wasn't working so I hopped down and shook her arm and she just kinda bundled up even tighter. Fetal position. She just kept her fists against her ears for what seemed like forever but was probably only a couple of minutes but a couple minutes of weird is an eternity. I'm back on the top bunk now obviously. I think she calmed down.

aaand she just ran out the door.

* 

back again. So I got up to close the door because whatever emergency was happening meant don't close the door behind you. Maybe she's seasick. That's a thing. Probably sea and homesick. We're moving along but not really side to side. I should go see if she's okay. Then again she was being really weird to me and she knows how I feel about doors on ships being open. Not good.

I'll give her a few minutes then maybe check up on her but I know if it was me crying or puking I wouldn't want me chasing after me immediately. We're both adults mostly. Maybe I'll just "brush my teeth" and maybe just see a little bit how she's doing and she can tell me all about it. She'll probably want to sign but between me and you I would love if she would just let me read her lips. Her possibly pukey lips. Her hands better be clean. She said the fingers were the lips of the hands the other day and I laughed my ass off. You had to be there. Maybe I bring her towel with me but then there goes the plan because how do I have her towel with me when I'm innocently brushing my teeth? 

*

She wasn't there. Sorry, it's later. She wasn't there she wasn't in the bathroom. I walked back and I can't explain it but everything is starting to feel a little off. We're not exactly encouraged to go wandering off on our own after dark and for every reason you can think of I don't want to go off by myself. Maybe she's just being dramatic. She's super uptight about some things I can imagine her looking off for some other bathroom to puke in or going outside to puke over the side of the ship, but they were huge dicks about throwing stuff off the side of the ship. Would she do it for me? Ugh. Okay. Here goes. 

*

I DON'T KNOW WHERE ANYBODY IS. EVERYBODY'S JUST NOT ANYWHERE. I didn't look everywhere but there are lots of open doors and a lot of empty rooms. Maybe they all went out to look at something? Maybe they're all puking? There was Alex and Garrett across from us, Girl Alex and Shannon next to them and Dan and Tristan next to us and NOBODY is IN THEIR ROOM. A macbook was open, phones on the bed, just POOF. I don't know what to do. Daisy would never do this to me.  

*

I can not. I don't even know how to begin to tell you anything at all. I don't want to tell you anything at all. I just want it to be over. I don't know. I don't know what happened I don't know if it's over but there is something very fucking creepy happening and it's too much to write but I'm losing my shit and there's absolutely no way I'm falling asleep any time soon and I can't not watch the door and I can't just stare at the door. 

Julia came back. She came back and she was talking so fast I couldn't tell what she was saying. Her hands were moving so fast I thought she was signing but she wasn't she was just very very excited about something. She was gone probably not even that long but it felt like forever and I don't know if writing this makes it feel more or less real so just if you're reading this and it doesn't make a lot of sense just imagine how I feel writing this all down on a ship in the ocean and you just watched a couple people jump into the ocean and you're hiding from your friend because she's absolutely lost it.

She comes back and she runs to me and her eyes are the size of the moon. They're huge and they look a little cloudy in a very not normal way and she's just trying to drag me out of the room but I fight her off and try and get her to tell me where everybody is and what's going on and she can barely stop fidgeting. So she's talking and signing and eventually I get her to just say what she's trying to say because she kept trying to sign things she didn't know and the words weren't exactly much clearer either. She gets calm enough and she tells me that I need to come outside and see it. She couldn't explain it but something like because I couldn't hear it I would have to come see it. That it would all make sense when I saw it but it was a shame that I couldn't hear it because then she wouldn't even have to be talking to me about it. She said if she didn't have her airpods in she could have heard it clearer. I'm just like in shock. SHE is supposed to be the normal one! She's so fucking boring all the time and now she's finally enthusiastic about something and it's whatever THIS is. Apparently it was some noise. So like, in desperation I'm like 'yes sure I'll come with you' and I start to follow her and when I say she was RUNNING it's because she RAN from the room to outside. So I'm keeping up with her a little bit just so she's not out of my sight and we get outside and she tells me to wait because there are a few more. I'm just thinking "a few more of what exactly?" but before I can even say anything she's running around like a maniac.

She comes back with two dudes I have never seen before and they both seem a little out of it but definitely one more than the other. I'm sitting against the wall wondering why I didn't just run back to the room but I don't know, I felt like if I waited for her to come back maybe things would settle down or maybe the people she was coming to get would know what the hell happened but of course they didn't. She gets back with these two dudes and kinda has us stand in a row with our backs against the wall and she stood in front of us. One dude had airpods in still and the other had those noise cancelling headphones around his neck. He seemed a little more normal but definitely we both were wondering what the fuck.  

She's in front of us now and she's talking to the airpods guy and I'm getting like every other word but she's saying something about what he received and asking if he heard enough. Then she points into the sky and says "There. Look there" and by this time her eyes are just white and everything is just so fucking intense. I barely want to look but airpods guy is STARING at the sky. Julia goes to the next guy and asks 'are you receiving anything' and he looks at me and he has no idea what to fucking do about anything and neither do I. I'm trying to talk to him but all I can really manage that I think he'd understand is "I don't know" which I say like twelve times. He looks at me because I think he finally gets that not only can I not hear but we are as clueless as one another about whatever the hell is happening. That's about as far as he made it. 

Julia looks back at airpods guy and says something and airpods guy gets behind headphones dude and has both his arms around him from the back. Eyes white as ice cream. He's saying something like "it's okay it's okay you'll be fine" and he's backing up toward the rail and at this point I am fully freaked out so I start backing up in case I need to run from this dude and before I can even figure out anything at all he leans back and flips over the side of the ship into the fucking water. WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN AND HE JUST JUMPS IN HOLDING THAT OTHER GUY. 

Me and Julia stare over the side an I look at her and I can tell my mouth is just wide open at whatever I just watched and the water barely looks like water. It looked like an ocean of something else. Like anemones. Like imagine the ship is in an island of humongous spiky black tentacles made of black light and you wouldn't even be able to see them if they weren't moving. I look at Julia and she looks at me and she's just smiling laughing almost crying like she's so happy. She gestures to the sky again and signs "Look" and I don't even know what to do so I look and the sky is pretty normal except between the moon and the horizon there's a spot with no stars and a dark spot in the middle. It was pretty beautiful thinking back at it but I look at Julia and I'm so fucking scared and now she's trying to tell me things like "better this way" "this is it" "i swear this is good" "ascension" "higher level" and I don't know when I started but I just ran back to the room and somehow made it and I felt the door and could feel her banging on it and haven't felt to see if she was still banging but I'm so fucking scared and I don't know what to do except I can't go to sleep and what the fuck was anything I just saw????

So there was the eyes of airpods guy, the whole jumping into the ocean murder I just witnessed, the black island of anemones and the little hole in the sky. And what Julia is doing or wants from me I have no idea but I'm pretty sure she wants me thrown into the ocean. She might even want to be in the ocean herself but she must have seen those humongous anemone arms. There was no splash. They just kinda landed and floated and the arms took them in. Airpods guy first because headphones dude was flailing around but eventually a tentacle around his head and he stopped kicking and down he goes. 

I keep thinking of that hole in the sky. I know I'm not the best at words but that's all I can see it as. Like a tiny eclipse. Maybe the size of a dime but all black with light around the edges. Beautiful light. The light of all colors. Just dancing. I keep thinking about the hole and I feel the hole and I feel the light dancing around the edges and I feel it in the center of my chest. I can feel the hole and I can feel the beautiful light dancing around it like my heart is wrapped in silk. So warm. The hole is so warm. I feel like I have wings. Big warm wings. I'm crying. I locked myself in this room and meanwhile there's a big hole in the sky that's singing and saying the most beautiful things to everyone who can hear it and here's me locking myself inside to protect myself against who? Julia? She wouldn't hurt a fly. I can hear it as well as anything and I know what I want. We want the same thing. We're made of the same stuff. We were so lucky to be on this ship.

I'm going to go outside. I need to introduce myself to it. It's not a hole at all. It has so much to teach us, so much to show us. I can feel it. It's bigger now. It's closer to us. 

It seemed to scary but it isn't. 

It feels so right.

Everything is going to be ok.

I think we're safe.