August.
Bullshit.
Bullshit month.
I want to say it's the Wednesday of the year or something but it's the Nothing of the Anything. It's just 31 days of blech. First of all, 31 days? Doesn't need 31 days to do what it does. August could be done in twenty days tops. I'm being generous here. What exactly is August's thing? What is it good for?
It has no major holiday. I mean whatever who cares about holidays but every other month has at least one holiday.
January- New Years Day
February- Valentine's Day and MLK day
March- St Patrick's Day and Easter sometimes
April- Easter most of the time. Also Daylight Saving.
May- Mother's Day and Memorial Day
June- Father's Day and Juneteenth (I think)
July- The Fourth of it
August- Jack shit. Bupkis. 404 Not Found
September- Labor Day
October- Halloween and Columbus Day/Indigenous People's day (I guess.)
November- Thanksgiving
December- Fucking everything.
So I googled it to see what would google would have to say and the first holiday that came up was national raspberry tart day.
Wait. While we're here- I don't really know what is an actual holiday and what isn't. There are plenty of "Days". Whatever was the inspiration behind raspberry tart day we may never know. It's probably also googleable but I'll be damned if I google it and I'll Google anything. I just can't bring myself to know it. I have the mental bandwidth to remember like six more people's names and maybe what I had for dinner this week but all that goes to shit if I start knowing where raspberry tart DAY came from. Definitely the kind of thing I would have sought to remember years ago but c'mon kid, get real. Nobody cares. Here's the best case scenario:
It's raspberry tart day.
I'm talking to someone while ringing them up Trader Joe's.
They are buying anything at all related to the consumption or manufacture of raspberry tarts.
I say "Y'know today is raspberry tart day"
They make some shitty face and say some dumb shit. I don't know, I don't speak customer. Or they say 'oh yeah? what does that mean?' and I tell them. I have learned too often the face of apathy is a friendly one. You don't have to care. I sure don't. I'd be sorry I brought it up. I'm already sorry I brought up August. It's a bullshit month.
Apologies for those born in August. You have yours birthdays. That's worth celebrating probably. Please, have a blast. Maybe throw a party. There's nothing else going on in August. You've got a clean slate. Also, everybody's home in August. Nobody goes on vacation. Why not? I don't know man they just do not. If you have summer plans and they're not done and dusted by August 1 you have blown it.
Here's a list of more things impossible to accomplish in the month of August:
Go on vacation (holidays or early summer only.)
Eat delicious food (too hot)
Swim at the beach (by this time the beach is mostly pisswater and seagull shit. The surgeon general recommends people who go to the beach in August limit their exposure to 15-30 minutes under penalty of death. Did you know the surgeon general has that kind of authority? They can remote detonate the 5G Covid vaccine chip from the comfort of their office in the White House.
Clean (mostly a spring thing)
Sweat (kidding)
Sweating is the only thing you can do in August. Even when it's 70 degrees out just kidding it's actually 89 after the heat index or whatever it is makes it so. "Real feel" definitely adds 15 degrees to everything just as a middle finger to the schmucks of summer.
I kept joking with people that I wanted August to have a national holiday like Groundhog's Day to tell whether we were going to have six more weeks of summer or an early fall. It could be August 2nd. We could even pick a cooler more seasonally appropriate animal to worship/ply for guidance. Maybe a dolphin or a orangutan. Or better yet, a groundhog.
I take back what I said before. August is the groundhog of months. What do I mean? I mean what the hell is a groundhog? Can't eat it. Doesn't do tricks. Smells (probably). Sounds more like the month of August by the minute. Again, apologies to people who have birthdays in August but people who have birthdays in August are born of parents who have sex in December. Nobody should be having sex during Christ's birthday month.
Also, ever been to a wedding in August? Of course you haven't. It's not a month for love. Ever had sex in August? Well if you did congratulations on being a friend. Nobody should have sex when sweating is involved. Who could ever be that horny? Nobody going to heaven, that's for sure. Sorry for all the sex talk and a little sorry I couldn't edit it all into one paragraph but it's September 29th and this is due in like a day. Apologies again for people who were married in August. Sorry you're poor. You made some caterer cancel their vacation to cater your shitty unattended wedding. "I'll take off the last two weeks of August. Traditionally nobody gets married during this time. OOPS, never mind, somebody just booked me for August 2Xth guess I'll be plating and organizing distribution of crudite or whatever it is a caterer does." I also could have edited this into the aforementioned vacation line I had a paragraph or so ago but as also aforementioned this is due in like a day.
August.
Bullshit.
Go to the Wikipedia page for August right now. I can wait.
[Pause for Wikipedia]
Thank you for understanding that inserting a hyperlink here would be more editing than you deserve. Unfortunately, I have apologized several times thus far and to do any more apologizing would just be weak writing. I should know, I'm a writer.
Welcome back! How do you feel? Let me tell you how you feel because there's no other way to say it. Not only are you a little mad that you glanced over the Wikipedia page for August (bullshit month) you're also a little nervous that it might not have been worth it. You see, I've already worked really hard to gain your trust and you know that everything I've asked you to do so far has been really really worth it. Welp, sorry. You're gonna feel a little upset because I'm not gonna talk about anything on that damn page. It's not interesting. I should know, I'm very interesting.
So I broke your heart. Not apologizing. You've lived through enough Augusts by now and what you're feeling should be similar to how every August you've ever lived through has made you feel. Cheated. Disenchanted. Righteously indigenous. Indignacious... indignational...? (fuck it)
Let me be clear: rumor has it that July and August were added to the year at some point. I mean who would make something like that up? Obviously I once believed it the way you, like a fool, still do. Again, like you, I haven't even skimmed August's Wikipedia entry. (I know you didn't. Stop reading this? Having too good of a time!) But like... level with me folks. You want me to believe we had a perfectly metric ten-month calendar and then just let some Caesar insert more month into the year like it was a good idea? Now we have what, a base-12 solar annum? Was there a time where the calendar only had 11 months then Augustus said 'So we're just adding months now? I'll take a month, fuck it. Carpe mensis!' Again, I have neither time nor inclination to learn where months came from. It's not gonna stop me from making educated guesses.
August.
Bullshit.
And this is all bullshit I'm pulling out of the aether. Imagine I HAD read the Wikipedia entry? This would be a novel. A diatribe. I think I could get August cancelled. We can call it July II. Not a great idea and not funny. Obviously I'm running out of hilarious things to say. Again, kidding. Me? Run out of hilarious things to say? No chance. I should know, I'm hilarious.
Here are some more fun probably true facts about August:
During August suicide prevention hotlines transition from prevention to advocacy. Slogans go from "You are not alone!" to "I get it, man. Leave your door unlocked and we'll find a home for your dog."
Satanic Christmas is August 25th. Just like regular Christmas only that baby in the manger is dead and the wise men are fighting over its bones. If you see a puddle of water with some coal and a carrot on the ground, stay away from the manger in the front yard. The memory of that precious little corpse might ruin actual Christmas for you.
Hitler's birthday? Actually in April, but August is when he decided to drop out of art school and get into eugenics. Couldn't bear another semester of young dadaists.
Fucking August.
I heard some talk in the break room at work of what the best month was. Nobody said August. To be fair it was a bunch of people advocating halfheartedly for their birthday month because people at work are in some sort of Mexican standoff with each other where the first one to say something smart gets ostracized. Except for me and my friends, that is. We should know, we're all very intelligent.
To be unfair, August is thirty one consecutive days of misery for everyone. At the very least let's make February 31 days and we can have leap year in April. I don't want a Groundhog's Day in August. I want August to stay ignominious. A month that shall live in ignominy.
August.
Bullshit.
