infinite jerm

im allowed to notes app on the train

i can do anything

i am limitless

infinite

my thoughts are in the trees

and the birds have come down

to perch on my ribs

heres the thing:

when i have a reason to feel bad

i can feel bad

and speak on it

and say what i need to say

and hear what i need to hear

and still feel bad

and life is so short

and this recovery longer than i like

and to err against someone so good

is no small thing

but this thing

against everything else of ours

is just that

small

and its a tiny pill

a pinch and plunge

that shrinks the tumor;

heals the sick

that and time

like time

i am unlimited

thankfully

my regret is not

i staunch the wound

but not the pain

Friendsgiving 2024

I have

but paws and claws A little pink nose And some teeth I dare to bare

I am not like my stinky kin I only keep the shiny bits

I’m building something small and rank A tiny castle underground

I’m scouring the wreck to find Some fluff  to stuff your king sized bed

You like that right? You want a big ol bed to stretch your weary limbs

I get it even though I only need an empty can of beans

I lost a finger when I tried to snatch a marble pink and sweet

It was a lollipop but for a sec it seemed like something pure

A little something I could use to top the headboard of your bed

Or maybe something even better anything I think you’d like

My special friend You’re here with me and now I know that you are mine

Come take a look at all the things I found that look like things you’d like

I found the inside of a locket It’s a picture of a man

Who was he? I don’t know I only know it’s old and worn and loved

And if you hold it to your heart your heart will swell and jump for joy

I do these things for you because I have to do these things for you

I make the women jump on chairs and make the eyes of men grow wide

That’s fine i don’t expect the understanding I think i deserve

My parents carried plague and ate their young I hope that I’ve evolved

The thing i want to say is watch me frolic through the city streets

Come watch me climb a chair and steal a scrap of food so i can eat

Come watch me make a pile of beads so i can macrame some art

To hang upon the wall above your king sized bed so you can sleep

Under the art i made for you and think of me and think of us

You found me at a funny time i didn’t think i had a chance

The world was garbage filth and trash and me a small ignoble pest

Now look at me now look at us i’ll have a king sized bed for you

I made a picture it’s the two of us we’re smiling bright and wide

Just you though I don’t think my teeth are all that great theyre pretty sharp

And i know how most people think of them as riddled with disease

So keep this secret it’s a king sized bed above a tiny nest

A can of beans for me sleep beneath you list’ning to you snore

My special friend i’ve trod through puddle waded filth in wrist high pools

I’ve dragged my belly through the broken glass you see along the curb

I’m full of life i’m full of love i’m thrilled to have me at your side

I think you’re swell.

Gratitude

This prompt feels like cheating.

Gratitude.

Let me tell you what I think about gratitude: it's completely artificial. There's nothing natural about it. A squirrel doesn't eat a nut and think "I am so grateful for this nut". All it knows is nut.

All I know is nut.

All I know is feel bad.

Gratitude. How many scoff at it? Them and their little ungrateful hearts and minds. I can hear them scoffing from afar. Someone should hand them a scoff drop. That's a pun. OK we've told our joke, we can be serious now.

Gratitude.

No such thing. It's one of countless concepts that exist only to human beings but that doesn't make it non-existent. What I'm trying to say is this:

If you've heard me speak for more than a few minutes you'll know how I feel about gratitude and the brain. The brain is hardwired to carve into stone any misfortune to keep it from happening again. There is an evolutionary advantage in remembering the bad things that happened to you so you can avoid them. Thus, we must make a point out of being grateful for the things we have to feel grateful about.

This can be that. This thing I'm writing right here. Possibly reading aloud to you. 

I can do that. Gratitude meditations. I can do them. It's quite possible that I've been doing them while you're speaking to me. You're going on about whatever the hell you think it is that's so important to you and there I am feeling grateful about something. Hell, I could even be doing it right now. I'm not. Probably. But if I were, you'd have no idea whether or not I was or wasn't.

I feel grateful.

I'll expound.

You remember what I said before about the hardwired brain? Well, I have a brain. I like my brain but a brain it is. That is to say it carves into stone all the terrible things that have happened to me. That's what I really want to write about. The trauma.I don't think I've had a particularly hard life but there are things that have happened to me that continue to happen. I've suffered vicariously through the terrible things that befell people I care about deeply. I don't need to do that, but I do. I grew up some wacky Christian millenarian. We don't have to talk about it. 

What I know more than anything is that I'm older now and I don't want to hear about anything bad that happened to anyone ever again. Some people have their trauma laid out on serving platters like finger sandwiches for you to snack on and all they ask for in return is sympathy and some understanding that if they're not where they should be in life it's because of the bad things that have happened to them. What they don't tell you is that they're not interested in your finger sandwiches and that they're not willing to offer the same understanding. I've had conversations that felt like the other party was just dying to one-up me about whatever it was they had been through.

I surrender.

Take it. 

Whatever I've been through wasn't so bad because I'm here with you all. I said something like this out loud at work once. Somebody was bitching about being at work. I think I asked some legitimate question like 'what's your favorite school subject' and they said 'recess'. I know it's work and work sucks but also and more importantly if there's somewhere else you would rather be I suggest you run there and never come back.

What I said to this miserable son of a bitch was some version of this: I know for a fact that at some point in the next week I will experience something so joyous, so divine, so wonderful, that it will have made everything I have gone through from the dawn of man to date somehow worth it. 

I mean that. 

I think that's a healthy way to think.

In 1999 someone I was at college with wondered "what if we wake up every day with a collection of memories that we think are ours but aren't?" That really stuck with me. What if all my trauma is just pictures in a book that might not even be mine? Memory is tricky. My childhood was mostly analogue up until my teenage years. I believe in my heart most everything not archived digitally will someday be lost. More on that later, maybe.

I guess I can talk a lot of shit about gratitude because I'm in love, but believe me when I say the circumstances of this love would leave a lot to be desired for most people and it puts me at odds with them and to me it is a love and pure and brilliant as a pure carbon crystal and to them it is some great capitulation in the war against loneliness. We don't have to talk about it. The important thing here is that it was no accident. I didn't accidentally become who I am and I didn't accidentally accept love and while I have known failure and missed opportunity I have also known success. One of my favorite thing's I've ever thought is this: love isn't rare, people who know what to do with it are. I believe that. I believe that very much because I almost left this love to die wailing in the rain like an abandoned infant. I didn't. I accepted grace. I worked on it. 

I'm really happy about that. Grateful, even.

When I left my last relationship I didn't think to myself "Sure am glad I have failed at love" I thought "I am glad I now have the opportunity to find something better for myself". 

Wait, there's more.

I wish I failed more. I wish I tried and failed but I was scared to fail. I didn't want my fears confirmed. As long as I never tried I would never have to know failure but if I could do it all over I would fail five times a day for as long as I lived. Let me be clear: I have very few regrets. It is not the lack of regret that has given me gratitude it is my gratitude that has expunged my regret.

Shame, embarrassment, humility, anger (oh god, so much anger). Each of these, no stranger to me. But what is the thing that has crippled my will? What is the thing that has kept me from investing my time and energy? Where do you spend your blood and is the blood you spend lost forever? How do you heal? Do you know how to heal? What is the thing that has kept you from being the most you that you have ever been and why haven't you sawn it off and tossed it into the fire?

Greater minds than mine have mused upon risk/reward. The votes are in. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. That's what this is about.

Look at the room I'm in. I'm imagining I'm reading this aloud to several people, most of whom I've just met in the past two years? I'm almost 44. I have known lots of people. Who the hell are you to think you mean anything to me? We're coworkers? I've worked with more people than I'll ever remember. I don't need you. Any of you could drop dead at any minute and the sadness would come and go.

Which is to say:

I am so fucking happy. I have found so much love in this world. Most of it is no longer with me. That's ok. Love isn't rare, but people who know what to do with it are. I can say truly that I have love in me for anyone hearing me speak these words. I do. Fuck it. Take my blood, I have plenty. I'm talking to you directly and I'm going to stop and look you in the eye and say your name. Starting from the left.

I just handed you blood. How do you feel? You don't need to know what to do with it. You shouldn't really do anything with it. It's a gesture. It's a metaphor. I don't need anything back. I promise. You can leave it on the train, you can put it in a bag and forget to put it in your new bag and give the old bag to Goodwill. 

I'm telling you that I love you and I can say that because it just gives me more to be grateful for. 

I'm not everybody's favorite. People have reasons to not like me and they're entitled to those reasons the way a pack rat is entitled to a palace of filth. That sounds judgmental and it is. I would not begrudge anyone their opinion. 

Let me say some more things:

There's just a good a chance that I am somebody's version of the worst person in the world.

There's someone out there who would rather burn alive than walk a mile in my shoes.

but also

There's more than a good chance someone I care about cares about me just as much as I care about them and while I can never prove that beyond their word I can accept it and act as if it's true.

Also, I could be living out someone's fantasy. Someone could be aching to trade places with me. 

I'm okay with who I am. I'm more than okay with who I am. I like me. I love me. I think I'm worthy of love and I thought that before I had it but to be honest I thought it more every time I found it. 

I'm gonna wrap it up now.

This is the work.

Scour the trash heap for shiny bits and turn them into jewelry for people you care for.

Fail every day.

Do not deprive the world of you and do not deprive yourself of the world.

The hate will make itself known. You must find love.

The work is if there is something in your life you do not have you must make your life a place where the thing you want can survive. If you have desire let it motivate you to act.

The worst thing to do is nothing.

Amen.

The Jacob Barnsley 2nd draft

 On August 1st 2024 the Jacob Barnsley pushed off out of Gloucester under clear skies through thick summer air. On board were Captain James Duschene, a crew of twenty-eight, and twelve college students on a "Summer Ambassador Program". The program was a semester at sea intended to last thirty days. The ship was marked for interception by US Coast Guard legend-class cutter the USCGC Berquist after the university noticed deviation from its intended course without communication. The Coast Guard believed themselves to be taking part in a standard search and rescue. They came upon the Jacob Barnsley under a moon drenched starless night sky. 

She was boarded and searched by Chief Petty Officer Donald Stratton, Seamen Keith Carlson and Josiah Battle. They found no living person on board. Among the personal possessions recovered was a black marble notebook belonging to 20-year old Dana Stratton of Sayville, New York. She had presumably intended to use it to chronicle her time on board the Jacob Barnsley with her boyfriend. This would be the only lead as to what exactly transpired that night.

*

I'M A SAILOR I'M A SAILOR I'M A SAILOR! omgomgomgomgomg this is HAPPENING i am a SAILOR I am on a BOAT I am gonna SLEEP and EAT on a BOAT and I'm NEVER COMING HOME! Ok... I'll probably come home. I already miss you (you were right about that) and I miss my cat (more than you but you get it) and I miss you and I'm the KING OF THE WORLD!!! By the way, the urge to do that on a boat gets much stronger the closer you get to the bow. The bow is the front of the ship by the way. By the way, I'm not sure how true this is, but I get the feeling one of the worst things you can do is call that the "front of the boat". No real sailor would do that. Port, starboard, below deck... all super important. 

It didn't take that long for us to be so far away we can't see land. Shocking a little for me actually. Maybe a lot. I'm not gonna think about it. I'm definitely gonna think about it. Thinking about it right now as a matter of fact. 

Julia does in fact get to bunk with me which is a little bit perfect for all the reasons in the world. It's just nice because this room is so small and without Daisy to perk her head up at any little noise I don't think I could sleep as well. So Julia is my hearing-ear human and she's fine with that. Her signing has gotten so much better I barely need to slow down anymore. She even signed some things I've never seen and showed me a bunch of Tik Toks that have been helping her feel a little more confident. 

SO much to say. The SKY is so DARK! Do you know how many friggin stars there are? I wish there was a happy medium between seeing every star and seeing no stars because I've been trying to find Aries and I think I found it at least three times in three different places and I don't even think it's in the sky right now. It's not. I just googled it. It's not. The wifi here is terrible btw. I hate it here and I want to go home.  

Thank you again for the little book. Very cutesy. This probably will be better than me sea dumping on you as soon as I get home and you were right about the pen. Turns out the service does suck and this could probably be all emails but this pennn is soooooooooooo fun to write with. Feels good. Okay. I love you. Goodnight.

*

Maybe not goodnight just yet. Things feel weird. It's just me and Julia in here and she had her airpods in and I thought she was like dancing or tapping her foot to something but when I looked down her foot was shaking like I don't even know. I thought maybe she was having a seizure but she just had her hands in fists on her ears and I think she was crying?? Probably homesick. I tried to get her attention but that wasn't working so I hopped down and shook her arm and she just kinda bundled up even tighter. Fetal position. She just kept her fists against her ears for what seemed like forever but was probably only a couple of minutes but a couple minutes of weird is an eternity. I'm back on the top bunk now obviously. I think she calmed down.

aaand she just ran out the door.

* 

back again. So I got up to close the door because whatever emergency was happening meant don't close the door behind you. Maybe she's seasick. That's a thing. Probably sea and homesick. We're moving along but not really side to side. I should go see if she's okay. Then again she was being really weird to me and she knows how I feel about doors on ships being open. Not good.

I'll give her a few minutes then maybe check up on her but I know if it was me crying or puking I wouldn't want me chasing after me immediately. We're both adults mostly. Maybe I'll just "brush my teeth" and maybe just see a little bit how she's doing and she can tell me all about it. She'll probably want to sign but between me and you I would love if she would just let me read her lips. Her possibly pukey lips. Her hands better be clean. She said the fingers were the lips of the hands the other day and I laughed my ass off. You had to be there. Maybe I bring her towel with me but then there goes the plan because how do I have her towel with me when I'm innocently brushing my teeth? 

*

She wasn't there. Sorry, it's later. She wasn't there she wasn't in the bathroom. I walked back and I can't explain it but everything is starting to feel a little off. We're not exactly encouraged to go wandering off on our own after dark and for every reason you can think of I don't want to go off by myself. Maybe she's just being dramatic. She's super uptight about some things I can imagine her looking off for some other bathroom to puke in or going outside to puke over the side of the ship, but they were huge dicks about throwing stuff off the side of the ship and that includes puke. I know for a fact it has more to do with puke stains than littering. Would she go looking for me? Of course she would. She's my hearing-ear human ffs! Ugh. Okay. Here goes. 

*

I DON'T KNOW WHERE ANYBODY IS. EVERYBODY'S JUST NOT ANYWHERE. I didn't look everywhere but there are lots of open doors and a lot of empty rooms. Maybe they all went out to look at something? Maybe they're all puking? There was Alex and Garrett across from us, Girl Alex and Shannon next to them and Dan and Tristan next to us and NOBODY is IN THEIR ROOM. A macbook was open, phones on the bed, just POOF. I don't know what to do. Daisy would never do this to me.  

*

I can not. I don't even know how to begin to tell you anything at all. I don't want to tell you anything at all. I just want it to be over. I don't know. I don't know what happened I don't know if it's over but there is something very fucking creepy happening and it's too much to write but I'm losing my shit and there's absolutely no way I'm falling asleep any time soon and I can't not watch the door and I can't just stare at the door. 

Julia came back. She came back and she was talking so fast I couldn't tell what she was saying. Her hands were moving so fast I thought she was signing but she wasn't she was just very very excited about something. She was gone probably not even that long but it felt like forever and I don't know if writing this makes it feel more or less real so just if you're reading this and it doesn't make a lot of sense just imagine how I feel writing this all down on a ship in the ocean and you just watched a couple people jump into the ocean and you're hiding from your friend because she's absolutely lost it.

She comes back and she runs to me and her eyes are the size of the moon. They're huge and they look a little cloudy in a very not normal way and she's just trying to drag me out of the room but I fight her off and try and get her to tell me where everybody is and what's going on and she can barely stop fidgeting. So she's talking and signing and eventually I get her to just say what she's trying to say because she kept trying to sign things she didn't know and the words weren't exactly much clearer either. She gets calm enough and she tells me that I need to come outside and see it. She couldn't explain it but something like because I couldn't hear it I would have to come see it. That it would all make sense when I saw it but it was a shame that I couldn't hear it because then she wouldn't even have to be talking to me about it. She said if she didn't have her airpods in she could have heard it clearer. I'm just like in shock. SHE is supposed to be the normal one! She's so fucking boring all the time and now she's finally enthusiastic about something and it's whatever THIS is. Apparently it was some noise. So like, in desperation I'm like 'yes sure I'll come with you' and I start to follow her and when I say she was RUNNING it's because she RAN from the room to outside. So I'm keeping up with her a little bit just so she's not out of my sight and we get outside and she tells me to wait because there are a few more. I'm just thinking "a few more of what exactly?" but before I can even say anything she's running around like a maniac.

She comes back with two dudes I have never seen before and they both seem a little out of it but definitely one more than the other. I'm sitting against the wall wondering why I didn't just run back to the room but I don't know, I felt like if I waited for her to come back maybe things would settle down or maybe the people she was coming to get would know what the hell happened but of course they didn't. She gets back with these two dudes and kinda has us stand in a row with our backs against the wall and she stood in front of us. One dude had airpods in still and the other had those noise cancelling headphones around his neck. He seemed a little more normal but definitely we both were wondering what the fuck.  

She's in front of us now and she's talking to the airpods guy and I'm getting like every other word but she's saying something about what he received and asking if he heard enough. Then she points into the sky and says "There. Look there" and by this time her eyes are just white and everything is just so fucking intense. I barely want to look but airpods guy is STARING at the sky. Julia goes to the next guy and asks 'are you receiving anything' and he looks at me and he has no idea what to fucking do about anything and neither do I. I'm trying to talk to him but all I can really manage that I think he'd understand is "I don't know" which I say like twelve times. He looks at me because I think he finally gets that not only can I not hear but we are as clueless as one another about whatever the hell is happening. 

That's about as far as he made it. 

Julia looks back at airpods guy and says something and airpods guy gets behind headphones dude and has both his arms around him from the back. Eyes white as ice cream. He's saying something like "it's okay it's okay you'll be fine" and he's also looking pretty fucking happy and he's backing up toward the rail and at this point I am fully freaked out so I start backing up in case I need to run from this dude and before I can even figure out anything at all he leans back and flips over the side of the ship into the fucking water. WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN AND HE JUST JUMPS IN HOLDING THAT OTHER GUY. 

Me and Julia stare over the side and I look at her and she looks THRILLED and I can tell my mouth is just wide open because of whatever we just watched combined with however she's acting and the water barely looks like water. It looked like an ocean of something else. Like anemones. Like imagine the ship is in an island of humongous spiky black tentacles made of black light and you wouldn't even be able to see them if they weren't moving. I look at Julia and she looks at me and now she's just smiling laughing almost crying like she's so happy. She gestures to the sky again and signs "Look" and I don't even know what to do so I look and the sky is pretty normal except between the moon and the horizon there's a spot with no stars and a dark spot in the middle. It was pretty beautiful thinking back at it now but at the time I look at Julia and I'm so fucking scared and now she's trying to tell me things like "better this way" "this is it" "i swear this is good" "ascension" "higher level" and I don't know when I started but I just ran back to the room and somehow made it and I felt the door and could feel her banging on it and haven't felt to see if she was still banging but I'm so fucking scared and I don't know what to do except I can't go to sleep and what the fuck was anything I just saw???

So there was the eyes of airpods guy, the whole jumping into the ocean murder I just witnessed, the black island of anemones and the little hole in the sky. And what Julia is doing or wants from me I have no idea but I'm pretty sure she wants me thrown into the ocean. She might even want to be in the ocean herself but she must have seen those humongous anemone arms. There was no splash. They just kinda landed and floated and the arms took them in. Airpods guy first because headphones dude was flailing around but eventually a tentacle around his head and he stopped kicking and down he goes.

*

I'm still half watching the door. I can't feel anything behind it. She probably jumped in. I feel like she jumped in. She must have.  

I keep thinking of that hole in the sky. I know I'm not the best at words but that's all I can see it as. Like a tiny eclipse. Maybe the size of a dime but all black with light around the edges. Beautiful light. The light of all colors. Just dancing. I keep thinking about the hole and I feel the hole and I feel the light dancing around the edges and I feel it in the center of my chest. I can feel the hole and I can feel the beautiful light dancing around it like my heart is wrapped in silk. So warm. The hole is so warm. I feel like I have wings. Big warm wings. I'm crying. I locked myself in this room and meanwhile there's a big hole in the sky that's singing and saying the most beautiful things to everyone who can hear it and oh my God I can HEAR IT and here's me locking myself inside to protect myself against who? Julia? She loves me she will always love me. I can feel that as well as anything and I know what we want. We want the same thing. We're made of the same stuff. We were so lucky to be on this ship.

I'm going to go outside. I need to introduce myself to it. It's not a hole at all. It has so much to teach us, so much to show us. I can feel it. It's bigger now. It's closer to us. 

It seemed to scary but it isn't. 

It feels so right.

Everything is going to be ok.

I think we're safe.

The Jacob Barnsley

 On August 1st 2024 the  Jacob Barnsley pushed off out of Gloucester under clear skies through thick summer air. On board were Captain James Duschene, a crew of twenty-eight, and twelve college students on a "Summer Ambassador Program". The program was a semester at sea intended to last thirty days. The tallship was three days out and averaging a speed of 5 knots when a distress call went out that was picked up by US Coast Guard legend-class cutter the USCGC Berquist. The Jacob Barnsley was silent save for the distress call and the Coast Guard believed themselves to be taking part in a standard search and rescue. They came upon the Jacob Barnsley with all her sails down drifting far off course. 

She was boarded and searched by Chief Petty Officer Donald Stratton, Seamen Keith Carlson and Josiah Battle. They found no living person on board. Among the personal possessions recovered was a black marble notebook belonging to 20-year old Dana Stratton of Sayville, New York. She had presumably intended to use it to chronicle her time on board the Jacob Barnsley with her boyfriend. She was able to write only three nights' worth. This would be the only lead as to what exactly happened to the crew of the ship.

8/1/2024:

I'M A SAILOR I'M A SAILOR I'M A SAILOR! omgomgomgomgomg this is HAPPENING i am a SAILOR I am on a BOAT I am gonna SLEEP and EAT on a BOAT and I'm NEVER COMING HOME! Ok... I'll probably come home. I already miss you (you were right about that) and I miss my cat (more than you but you get it) and I miss you and I'm the KING OF THE WORLD!!! By the way, the urge to do that on a boat gets much stronger the closer you get to the bow. The bow is the front of the ship by the way. By the way, I'm not sure how true this is, but I get the feeling one of the worst things you can do is call that the "front of the boat". No real sailor would do that. Port, starboard, below deck... all super important. 

It didn't take that long for us to be so far away we can't see land. Shocking a little for me actually. Maybe a lot. I'm not gonna think about it. I'm definitely gonna think about it. Thinking about it right now as a matter of fact. 

Julia does in fact get to bunk with me which is a little bit perfect for all the reasons in the world. It's just nice because this room is so small and without Daisy to perk her head up at any little noise I don't think I could sleep as well. So she is my hearing-ear human and she's fine with that. Her signing has gotten so much better I barely need to slow down anymore. She even signed some things I've never seen and showed me a bunch of Tik Toks that have been helping her feel a little more confident. 

SO much to say. The SKY is so DARK! Do you know how many friggin stars there are? I wish there was a happy medium between seeing every star and seeing no stars because I've been trying to find Aries and I think I found it at least three times in three different places and I don't even think it's in the sky right now. It's not. I just googled it. It's not. The wifi here is terrible btw. I hate it here and I want to go home.  

Thank you again for the little book. Very cutesy. This probably will be better than me sea dumping on you as soon as I get home and you were right about the pen. Turns out the service does suck and this could probably be all emails but this pennn is soooooooooooo fun to write with. Feels good. Okay. I love you. Goodnight.

*

Maybe not goodnight just yet. Things feel weird. It's just me and Julia in here and she had her airpods in and I thought she was like dancing or tapping her foot to something but when I looked down her foot was shaking like I don't even know. I thought maybe she was having a seizure but she just had her hands in fists on her ears and I think she was crying?? Probably homesick. I tried to get her attention but that wasn't working so I hopped down and shook her arm and she just kinda bundled up even tighter. Fetal position. She just kept her fists against her ears for what seemed like forever but was probably only a couple of minutes but a couple minutes of weird is an eternity. I'm back on the top bunk now obviously. I think she calmed down.

aaand she just ran out the door.

* 

back again. So I got up to close the door because whatever emergency was happening meant don't close the door behind you. Maybe she's seasick. That's a thing. Probably sea and homesick. We're moving along but not really side to side. I should go see if she's okay. Then again she was being really weird to me and she knows how I feel about doors on ships being open. Not good.

I'll give her a few minutes then maybe check up on her but I know if it was me crying or puking I wouldn't want me chasing after me immediately. We're both adults mostly. Maybe I'll just "brush my teeth" and maybe just see a little bit how she's doing and she can tell me all about it. She'll probably want to sign but between me and you I would love if she would just let me read her lips. Her possibly pukey lips. Her hands better be clean. She said the fingers were the lips of the hands the other day and I laughed my ass off. You had to be there. Maybe I bring her towel with me but then there goes the plan because how do I have her towel with me when I'm innocently brushing my teeth? 

*

She wasn't there. Sorry, it's later. She wasn't there she wasn't in the bathroom. I walked back and I can't explain it but everything is starting to feel a little off. We're not exactly encouraged to go wandering off on our own after dark and for every reason you can think of I don't want to go off by myself. Maybe she's just being dramatic. She's super uptight about some things I can imagine her looking off for some other bathroom to puke in or going outside to puke over the side of the ship, but they were huge dicks about throwing stuff off the side of the ship. Would she do it for me? Ugh. Okay. Here goes. 

*

I DON'T KNOW WHERE ANYBODY IS. EVERYBODY'S JUST NOT ANYWHERE. I didn't look everywhere but there are lots of open doors and a lot of empty rooms. Maybe they all went out to look at something? Maybe they're all puking? There was Alex and Garrett across from us, Girl Alex and Shannon next to them and Dan and Tristan next to us and NOBODY is IN THEIR ROOM. A macbook was open, phones on the bed, just POOF. I don't know what to do. Daisy would never do this to me.  

*

I can not. I don't even know how to begin to tell you anything at all. I don't want to tell you anything at all. I just want it to be over. I don't know. I don't know what happened I don't know if it's over but there is something very fucking creepy happening and it's too much to write but I'm losing my shit and there's absolutely no way I'm falling asleep any time soon and I can't not watch the door and I can't just stare at the door. 

Julia came back. She came back and she was talking so fast I couldn't tell what she was saying. Her hands were moving so fast I thought she was signing but she wasn't she was just very very excited about something. She was gone probably not even that long but it felt like forever and I don't know if writing this makes it feel more or less real so just if you're reading this and it doesn't make a lot of sense just imagine how I feel writing this all down on a ship in the ocean and you just watched a couple people jump into the ocean and you're hiding from your friend because she's absolutely lost it.

She comes back and she runs to me and her eyes are the size of the moon. They're huge and they look a little cloudy in a very not normal way and she's just trying to drag me out of the room but I fight her off and try and get her to tell me where everybody is and what's going on and she can barely stop fidgeting. So she's talking and signing and eventually I get her to just say what she's trying to say because she kept trying to sign things she didn't know and the words weren't exactly much clearer either. She gets calm enough and she tells me that I need to come outside and see it. She couldn't explain it but something like because I couldn't hear it I would have to come see it. That it would all make sense when I saw it but it was a shame that I couldn't hear it because then she wouldn't even have to be talking to me about it. She said if she didn't have her airpods in she could have heard it clearer. I'm just like in shock. SHE is supposed to be the normal one! She's so fucking boring all the time and now she's finally enthusiastic about something and it's whatever THIS is. Apparently it was some noise. So like, in desperation I'm like 'yes sure I'll come with you' and I start to follow her and when I say she was RUNNING it's because she RAN from the room to outside. So I'm keeping up with her a little bit just so she's not out of my sight and we get outside and she tells me to wait because there are a few more. I'm just thinking "a few more of what exactly?" but before I can even say anything she's running around like a maniac.

She comes back with two dudes I have never seen before and they both seem a little out of it but definitely one more than the other. I'm sitting against the wall wondering why I didn't just run back to the room but I don't know, I felt like if I waited for her to come back maybe things would settle down or maybe the people she was coming to get would know what the hell happened but of course they didn't. She gets back with these two dudes and kinda has us stand in a row with our backs against the wall and she stood in front of us. One dude had airpods in still and the other had those noise cancelling headphones around his neck. He seemed a little more normal but definitely we both were wondering what the fuck.  

She's in front of us now and she's talking to the airpods guy and I'm getting like every other word but she's saying something about what he received and asking if he heard enough. Then she points into the sky and says "There. Look there" and by this time her eyes are just white and everything is just so fucking intense. I barely want to look but airpods guy is STARING at the sky. Julia goes to the next guy and asks 'are you receiving anything' and he looks at me and he has no idea what to fucking do about anything and neither do I. I'm trying to talk to him but all I can really manage that I think he'd understand is "I don't know" which I say like twelve times. He looks at me because I think he finally gets that not only can I not hear but we are as clueless as one another about whatever the hell is happening. That's about as far as he made it. 

Julia looks back at airpods guy and says something and airpods guy gets behind headphones dude and has both his arms around him from the back. Eyes white as ice cream. He's saying something like "it's okay it's okay you'll be fine" and he's backing up toward the rail and at this point I am fully freaked out so I start backing up in case I need to run from this dude and before I can even figure out anything at all he leans back and flips over the side of the ship into the fucking water. WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN AND HE JUST JUMPS IN HOLDING THAT OTHER GUY. 

Me and Julia stare over the side an I look at her and I can tell my mouth is just wide open at whatever I just watched and the water barely looks like water. It looked like an ocean of something else. Like anemones. Like imagine the ship is in an island of humongous spiky black tentacles made of black light and you wouldn't even be able to see them if they weren't moving. I look at Julia and she looks at me and she's just smiling laughing almost crying like she's so happy. She gestures to the sky again and signs "Look" and I don't even know what to do so I look and the sky is pretty normal except between the moon and the horizon there's a spot with no stars and a dark spot in the middle. It was pretty beautiful thinking back at it but I look at Julia and I'm so fucking scared and now she's trying to tell me things like "better this way" "this is it" "i swear this is good" "ascension" "higher level" and I don't know when I started but I just ran back to the room and somehow made it and I felt the door and could feel her banging on it and haven't felt to see if she was still banging but I'm so fucking scared and I don't know what to do except I can't go to sleep and what the fuck was anything I just saw????

So there was the eyes of airpods guy, the whole jumping into the ocean murder I just witnessed, the black island of anemones and the little hole in the sky. And what Julia is doing or wants from me I have no idea but I'm pretty sure she wants me thrown into the ocean. She might even want to be in the ocean herself but she must have seen those humongous anemone arms. There was no splash. They just kinda landed and floated and the arms took them in. Airpods guy first because headphones dude was flailing around but eventually a tentacle around his head and he stopped kicking and down he goes. 

I keep thinking of that hole in the sky. I know I'm not the best at words but that's all I can see it as. Like a tiny eclipse. Maybe the size of a dime but all black with light around the edges. Beautiful light. The light of all colors. Just dancing. I keep thinking about the hole and I feel the hole and I feel the light dancing around the edges and I feel it in the center of my chest. I can feel the hole and I can feel the beautiful light dancing around it like my heart is wrapped in silk. So warm. The hole is so warm. I feel like I have wings. Big warm wings. I'm crying. I locked myself in this room and meanwhile there's a big hole in the sky that's singing and saying the most beautiful things to everyone who can hear it and here's me locking myself inside to protect myself against who? Julia? She wouldn't hurt a fly. I can hear it as well as anything and I know what I want. We want the same thing. We're made of the same stuff. We were so lucky to be on this ship.

I'm going to go outside. I need to introduce myself to it. It's not a hole at all. It has so much to teach us, so much to show us. I can feel it. It's bigger now. It's closer to us. 

It seemed to scary but it isn't. 

It feels so right.

Everything is going to be ok.

I think we're safe.

NAtional tart month

August.

Bullshit.

Bullshit month. 

I want to say it's the Wednesday of the year or something but it's the Nothing of the Anything. It's just 31 days of blech. First of all, 31 days? Doesn't need 31 days to do what it does. August could be done in twenty days tops. I'm being generous here. What exactly is August's thing? What is it good for?

It has no major holiday. I mean whatever who cares about holidays but every other month has at least one holiday.

January- New Years Day

February- Valentine's Day and MLK day

March- St Patrick's Day and Easter sometimes

April- Easter most of the time. Also Daylight Saving.

May- Mother's Day and  Memorial Day

June- Father's Day and Juneteenth (I think)

July- The Fourth of it

August- Jack shit. Bupkis. 404 Not Found 

September- Labor Day

October- Halloween and Columbus Day/Indigenous People's day (I guess.)                       

November- Thanksgiving

December- Fucking everything.

So I googled it to see what would google would have to say and the first holiday that came up was national raspberry tart day. 

Wait. While we're here- I don't really know what is an actual holiday and what isn't. There are plenty of "Days". Whatever was the inspiration behind raspberry tart day we may never know. It's probably also googleable but I'll be damned if I google it and I'll Google anything. I just can't bring myself to know it. I have the mental bandwidth to remember like six more people's names and maybe what I had for dinner this week but all that goes to shit if I start knowing where raspberry tart DAY came from. Definitely the kind of thing I would have sought to remember years ago but c'mon kid, get real. Nobody cares. Here's the best case scenario:

It's raspberry tart day.

I'm talking to someone while ringing them up Trader Joe's. 

They are buying anything at all related to the consumption or manufacture of raspberry tarts. 

I say "Y'know today is raspberry tart day"

They make some shitty face and say some dumb shit. I don't know, I don't speak customer. Or they say 'oh yeah? what does that mean?' and I tell them. I have learned too often the face of apathy is a friendly one. You don't have to care. I sure don't. I'd be sorry I brought it up. I'm already sorry I brought up August. It's a bullshit month.

Apologies for those born in August. You have yours birthdays. That's worth celebrating probably. Please, have a blast. Maybe throw a party. There's nothing else going on in August. You've got a clean slate. Also, everybody's home in August. Nobody goes on vacation. Why not? I don't know man they just do not. If you have summer plans and they're not done and dusted by August 1 you have blown it.

Here's a list of more things impossible to accomplish in the month of August:

Go on vacation (holidays or early summer only.)

Eat delicious food (too hot)

Swim at the beach (by this time the beach is mostly pisswater and seagull shit. The surgeon general recommends people who go to the beach in August limit their exposure to 15-30 minutes under penalty of death. Did you know the surgeon general has that kind of authority? They can remote detonate the 5G Covid vaccine chip from the comfort of their office in the White House. 

Clean (mostly a spring thing)

Sweat (kidding)

Sweating is the only thing you can do in August. Even when it's 70 degrees out just kidding it's actually 89 after the heat index or whatever it is makes it so. "Real feel" definitely adds 15 degrees to everything just as a middle finger to the schmucks of summer.

I kept joking with people that I wanted August to have a national holiday like Groundhog's Day to tell whether we were going to have six more weeks of summer or an early fall. It could be August 2nd. We could even pick a cooler more seasonally appropriate animal to worship/ply for guidance. Maybe a dolphin or a orangutan. Or better yet, a groundhog.

I take back what I said before. August is the groundhog of months. What do I mean? I mean what the hell is a groundhog? Can't eat it. Doesn't do tricks. Smells (probably). Sounds more like the month of August by the minute. Again, apologies to people who have birthdays in August but people who have birthdays in August are born of parents who have sex in December. Nobody should be having sex during Christ's birthday month.  

Also, ever been to a wedding in August? Of course you haven't. It's not a month for love. Ever had sex in August? Well if you did congratulations on being a friend. Nobody should have sex when sweating is involved. Who could ever be that horny? Nobody going to heaven, that's for sure. Sorry for all the sex talk and a little sorry I couldn't edit it all into one paragraph but it's September 29th and this is due in like a day. Apologies again for people who were married in August. Sorry you're poor. You made some caterer cancel their vacation to cater your shitty unattended wedding. "I'll take off the last two weeks of August. Traditionally nobody gets married during this time. OOPS, never mind, somebody just booked me for August 2Xth guess I'll be plating and organizing distribution of crudite or whatever it is a caterer does." I also could have edited this into the aforementioned vacation line I had a paragraph or so ago but as also aforementioned this is due in like a day.

August.

Bullshit. 

Go to the Wikipedia page for August right now. I can wait.

[Pause for Wikipedia]

Thank you for understanding that inserting a hyperlink here would be more editing than you deserve. Unfortunately, I have apologized several times thus far and to do any more apologizing would just be weak writing. I should know, I'm a writer. 

Welcome back! How do you feel? Let me tell you how you feel because there's no other way to say it. Not only are you a little mad that you glanced over the Wikipedia page for August (bullshit month) you're also a little nervous that it might not have been worth it. You see, I've already worked really hard to gain your trust and you know that everything I've asked you to do so far has been really really worth it. Welp, sorry. You're gonna feel a little upset because I'm not gonna talk about anything on that damn page. It's not interesting. I should know, I'm very interesting. 

So I broke your heart. Not apologizing. You've lived through enough Augusts by now and what you're feeling should be similar to how every August you've ever lived through has made you feel. Cheated. Disenchanted. Righteously indigenous. Indignacious... indignational...? (fuck it)

Let me be clear: rumor has it that July and August were added to the year at some point. I mean who would make something like that up? Obviously I once believed it the way you, like a fool, still do. Again, like you, I haven't even skimmed August's Wikipedia entry. (I know you didn't. Stop reading this? Having too good of a time!) But like... level with me folks. You want me to believe we had a perfectly metric ten-month calendar and then just let some Caesar insert more month into the year like it was a good idea? Now we have what, a base-12 solar annum? Was there a time where the calendar only had 11 months then Augustus said 'So we're just adding months now? I'll take a month, fuck it. Carpe mensis!' Again, I have neither time nor inclination to learn where months came from. It's not gonna stop me from making educated guesses. 

August.

Bullshit.

And this is all bullshit I'm pulling out of the aether. Imagine I HAD read the Wikipedia entry? This would  be a novel. A diatribe. I think I could get August cancelled. We can call it July II. Not a great idea and not funny. Obviously I'm running out of hilarious things to say. Again, kidding. Me? Run out of hilarious things to say? No chance. I should know, I'm hilarious. 

Here are some more fun probably true facts about August:

During August suicide prevention hotlines transition from prevention to advocacy. Slogans go from "You are not alone!" to "I get it, man. Leave your door unlocked and we'll find a home for your dog."

Satanic Christmas is August 25th. Just like regular Christmas only that baby in the manger is dead and the wise men are fighting over its bones. If you see a puddle of water with some coal and a carrot on the ground, stay away from the manger in the front yard. The memory of that precious little corpse might ruin actual Christmas for you.

Hitler's birthday? Actually in April, but August is when he decided to drop out of art school and get into eugenics. Couldn't bear another semester of young dadaists. 

Fucking August.

I heard some talk in the break room at work of what the best month was. Nobody said August. To be fair it was a bunch of people advocating halfheartedly for their birthday month because people at work are in some sort of Mexican standoff with each other where the first one to say something smart gets ostracized. Except for me and my friends, that is. We should know, we're all very intelligent.

To be unfair, August is thirty one consecutive days of misery for everyone. At the very least let's make February 31 days and we can have leap year in April. I don't want a Groundhog's Day in August. I want August to stay ignominious. A month that shall live in ignominy. 

August.

Bullshit. 

after all

They climbed down the stairs together and she leaned on him for support after a few steps worth of trying on her own. The air was a little wet and their faces were a little dewy. The weather was inparticular save for the blandness of it. Her face was peakish and his was vaguely determined. They both believed they were thinking about the same thing.

She began.

:Do you want to talk about it?

:We don't have to jump right into it.

:Sure, I just think it's time.

:I don't think we're there just yet.

:It would only be talking.

:I know, but doesn't talking about it just feel like it pushes things forward?

:Things?

:Did you see my letter in your book?

:Yes. It was very cute. Not sure how much it's helping anything but it was cute.

:You don't have to say things like that. It helped me to write it. Everything helps.

:Nothing helps.

:You know what would really help...

:I'm not sure I do. 

:Sure you do.

:I'm sure I don't. 

:Maybe a little optimism.

She took a deep breath.

:Fine.

:What did we say about "Fine"?

:We said it was fine.

He stared.

:You agreed to no more "Fine." And I agreed to let you finish every sentence you start.

:Thank y-

:Starting now.

:Funny.

:Yes but when you say the word "funny" it seems not funny at all. Like maybe you should just act like it was funny. Do that thing we used to do when we were kids... what's it called... laugh.

:I still laugh.

:That makes sense. I'm still hilarious.

:As ever.

:I'm rubbing off on you.

:Hardly.

:You said something really cute on this street in the beginning of everything, do you remember it?

:How cute could it have been if you don't rem-

:Oh I remember it, I just don't know if you remember it.

:Ahem.

:Sorry I'm excited now. I'm interrupting for different reasons. That's some form of progress, no?

:More like some form of metastasis. 

He winced.

:Oof. Dark.

:Coffee shop?

:Coffee shop.

:And a bagel?

:You feel up to a bagel?

:I could chew through a manhole cover if it tasted like bagel. 

:Have I ever told you how much I enjoy that image?

:You've thought of that before?

:Do you remember what you said I liked so much?

:Give me a minute, still a little foggy.

:I don't think it was a bagel I think it was pizza. Pizza at that place with the hospital prison cafeteria vibe.

:I remember what I said.

:What was it?

:It wasn't manhole related.

:No, I guess it wasn't.

:It had nothing to do with-

:OK I know I just love it so I much.

She stared again.

:Just say it. 

:I said a calzone seems like too much work when pizza gives you everything all at once.

:And I said I would eat calzone with calzone inside to get to calzone and that's how much I love calzone.

:I didn't believe.

:You were skeptical.

:I still am, just not about calzone.

:Just calzone. Like pizza, no s at the end. And now?

:Now I can't remember the last time I had a slice of pizza on purpose.

:See how right I was? I'm just sayin... optimism. 

:When was the last time we ordered a pizza?

:Does calzone count?

:I remember that. That was two weeks ago after the doctor and I couldn't eat it.

:They should make a breakfast calzone for days like today.

:Like a bagely shell filled with cream cheese lox and capers?

:Yes.

:I think you'd have to bake it and then-

:Don't tell me all the reasons it couldn't happen. Tell me how you plan on breathing something beautiful into the world.

:What would you even call it?

:It's your invention.

:The cream cheese would turn to goop.

:DEEP FRIED ICE CREAM.

:How hungry ARE you?

:No, I mean you can deep fry ice cream which you'd think would turn the ice cream to goop but it works somehow.

:So you're saying-

:You know exactly what I'm saying.

She stared harder.

:Ok I'm sorry again, but spell it out.

:You're saying that by using the same technique as deep fried ice cream-

:Perfected by Scottish food scientists in the latter half of the twentieth century.

:-you could somehow deep fry-

:Yes.

:-a bagel type dough

:Just say dough

:Deep fry some dough-

:Actually don't say dough because they just say deep fried ice cream. So when I heard about deep fried Snickers I thought it was just plop a candy bar in some hot oil. I had no idea dough was involved. I tried doing it at one of my first jobs. Huge mess. 

:I think it's a Mars bar. Anyway, deep fried lox. That sounds better than deep fried cream cheese. And I'm no Scottish food scientist but I think it's batter not dough.

:What's the difference?

:Really? What's bagel made of and what's pancake made of?

:I get it now.

:Ever hear of pizza batter?

:You always had a way of explaining things in a way that my big dumb idiot brain had an easy time with.

:Some say I still do, after all. That's the kind of self-deprecation I like to hear from an ego-maniac such as yourself.

:I'd like to think all genius as conspicuous as mine should be seasoned with self-deprecation to make it more palatable for lesser beings.

:You didn't know the difference between batter and dough.

:I know there's a difference between a neutron and a nucleus.

:But you don't know the difference.

:Course not. Are we still getting calzone later?

:Let's see how I feel after coffee and bagel.

:How has your appetite been?

She hesitated.

:Fine. 

:Did you have any of that fruit?

:I said "Fine." Capital F.

:Hmmph.

She stopped walking to say this- 

:Don't mother me. You don't have to mother me.

:It's hard not to care.

She started walking again

:I'm sorry. Care away. I never needed a mother and I never wanted one.

:To be fair you barely had one. 

:Sure I did. Unofficially.

:Your dad's permanent girlfriend doesn't count.

:She kind of counts.

:You never really talk about her.

:Nobody does. Plus she never really talks about me.

:I guess it did seem a little quick.

:She was at the funeral.

:She was at the funeral.

:It was too much.

:I mean he was down.

:Of course he was down. He was grieving.

:I mean there's what happened after the funeral and yeah, things did seem a little far along.

:Careful.

:So with all the grace I can muster for the man-

:He doesn't deserve it.

:I can't help but feel for him.

:Stop.

He stopped walking and put his hand on her arm. :Keep walking, stop talking.

:It's just there's the loss of your mom and there's everything that happened leading up to it.

She stopped.

:What exactly are you talking about?

:Forget it.

He started walking. She did not. 

:I will not.

:Let's get the coffees and bagels. 

:And then what? Eat in awkward silence while I load my gun under the table?

:You can't eat a bagel and load a gun at the same time your training never covered that.

:Say what you need to say.

:I don't need to say it.

:I think you do.

:It's just something I thought about.

:Think out loud.

:Have you called your father?

:He doesn't have a cell phone.

:So?

:So if she picks up I'm gonna scream and I don't think I should put myself through that sort of stress.

:Okay, but if you talk to him that's a big one off the bucket list.

Her words were sharper now.

:The fuck do you care?

:List is important.

:No. About him. Why?

:Can we please coffee and bagel a little first? We're like three blocks away.

She stopped at a ledge that worked as a bench. :Sit with me.

He knew it had gotten away from him. :God damnit.

:Speak.

:Did you ever swear to yourself you wouldn't turn into your parents?

:Never needed to.

:Are you sure?

:Sure enough.

:Well it happens. 

:You feel like you're turning into your father?

:I feel like I'm turning into yours.

:You're the one who took off work. I never asked you for anything. You don't need to care for me like that. I love you but I don't need you.

:I know what you mean enough to not be hurt by that, but that's not what I meant when I said I'm turning into him.

:How's that?

:I'm sorry, I'm not going to mother or father you.

:What did you mean? How are you going to turn into my father?

A joke flew :Get into Formula 1. Watch more HBO. Jorts.

The joke failed.

:I'm not laughing.

:What else is new?

:Let's go home.

:Do you want me to bring coffee and bagels back?

:No I mean I just want to get the hell home.

:Keep sitting for a second. Don't push it.

:I'm FINE.

:You're not.

She wasn't. She was lightheaded and thought earlier that some food would help and it would but not as much as she might have wanted or needed. He put his hands on her arms to stand.

:You're not. Keep your fucking hands off me I'll get up when I'm ready. Now talk.

:It's fine.

She took a breath to compose herself, half to get him to talk and half because she needed a beat or two. 

:Everything is fine. Okay? Now talk.

He took about the same for about the same reasons.

:I don't know how many people have gone through what I'm going through but I know he has. I haven't been talking to anyone because they either don't care or don't care the way I think they should. I don't talk to you about it because I don't want to burden you. Not when you can barely make the bagel walk.

:So you don't want me to talk to him, you want me to talk to him so you can talk to him.

:Someone should.

:For your sake?

:Is there a word for immediately reducing everyone else's motives to the most self-serving?

:In this case? The word is "Understanding."

:Sure. 

:He's not gonna like you.

:I'll bring him a bagel.

:He'll think you're Jewish.

:So?

:So don't you think it's a little late in the game to make friends with my dad?

:Don't you think it's a little late in the game to try and stop me?

:Maybe it's later than you think.

:Is it? Why? What'd they say?

:They haven't said much lately.

:What did they say?

A car honked somewhere and a crack opened up.

:I don't know. I stopped going.

:Fuck, of course you did. That's why they're calling all the time.

:Yup.

:Why? Is this it?

Real fear had settled in his voice.

:Maybe that's it.

:Y'know, most of the me wanting to talk to your dad isn't just me looking for spiritual guidance. I'm dying here. 

:Come again?

: I'm just... I don't talk to anyone about you. Or I do, but only about you. People ask me how I'm doing and the last thing I want to say is how tough things are. They assume things are tough. And they are. It's not all the things I've come to terms with. It's the bucket list. Having it and not doing anything on it is worse than not having it because it's not we don't want to, it's we can't. And sure, I'm okay with you never seeing the Grand Canyon but I'm not so great with why getting a bagel takes as much effort. I don't talk about me when I talk about you. I barely talk about you when I talk about you, I just give notes like I'm telling the weather.

:Why not?

:I don't want to talk about how joyless and bitter you've gotten because of course. But lately it's more like the joylessness was lying dormant for years and now you can be as joyless as you want because you have the best reason in the world. I thought you had a little edge, but now you're all edge. A knife without a handle actually. So why would I want to talk to your father? Because I've got a sneaking suspicion that you might have more in common with your mother than your tragically short lives. Like maybe you both sucked the life out of the people you loved on your way out. Like maybe I want to know how he moved on so quickly because I feek like I'm not going to make it without you. I can't. I won't. I sit here watching your hair fall out and make the day about deep fried lox and short term plans because the most realistic bucket list just has food I hope you're well enough to feel up for someday. 

It was out now but not fully.

:Sorry bout that buddy but I was never really dying before. This is all kind of new ground for me. Fucking kid. Sorry for ruining your happy life. Should have left you to whatever the hell it was you were doing before we met. Fucking gaming chair. Maybe you should have let me leave when I wanted to. 

:Whatever. I accept your apology. What choice do I have. Not about to double down on my misery with a breakup. I should have let you keep it to yourself and should have left you leave when you pitched it. But I didn't. And you didn't leave so that's that.

:So you're only with me because you feel bad for me? Because we don't need to keep this going. You know how this ends, no sense putting it off.

:I'm with you because I'm with you and maybe seeing you out will give me the closure I need to do the thing you're begging me to do and get on with my life without you.

They had gotten up to walk and were almost immediately stopped at a crosswalk to stand in thick silence. The light changed. He began.

:Let's not put it off.

:Excuse me?

:Let's do it together.

:Do what?

:Take control or something.

:Are you saying what I think your'e saying? 

:I don't even want it to look like an accident.

:I feel like these are my lines. What exactly-

:Stop. Look at me. Hear me. Listen to me. 

She didn't even try.

:No. This is ridiculous

:It's not.

:It is. It's absurd you're being dramatic

:I'm being dramatic but I'm not being absurd. We just have to figure it out.

:There's nothing to figure out.

:Sure there is, you can have everything. 

:For three weeks?

:Three fucking weeks?

He spun and almost stumbled. 

: Give or take.

:That's fine, it doesn't matter anymore.

:What the hell kind of thing is this to ask of someone? Can't you just do it yourself?

:I can't. I want to do it with you. You've got everything going to your father, yes?

:Why?

:Because he needs it more than me, yes?

:So?

:So what I have goes to you and what you have goes to him.

:...

:If I kill myself it he gets much less. But I'm pretty sure if I die he'll get what you'd get eventually.

:This is so fucking dumb. All this for him?

:No. All this for me. I've been to the Grand Canyon.

:Please shut up.

:I won't ever be there again. I thought that the minute I turned my back to it. What happened to six weeks?

:That was three weeks ago.

:Jesus. 

:I don't want to think about this.

:I don't want you to think about it either. I just want you to do it.

:How? How the hell do you even expect me to pull this off? 

:It would make sense.

:I assure you it would not.

:Maybe you hate me.

:Look. I know I've been rough lately but I've never hated you and I could never hate you. Did you read the last letter I left you?

:I didn't. I stopped looking. I thought you forgot about the book.

:I did and I didn't. 

:I didn't.

:I'm sorry. I know, I know, I know. Promises were made.

:It's fine.

:It doesn't feel fine.

:It's never going to.

:Well it was really sweet. 

:You shouldn't have.

She really shouldn't.

:What else is there?

:I've been turning into your father.

:What does that mean?

:It means I think we both have similar coping mechanisms.

:I don't think he coped all that well.

:I think he did okay. You're gonna hate me.

:I couldn't. I need you.

Either of those sentences would have been benign on their own but when struck together the spark of these words set fire a dry patch in his mind that was once a garden. Whatever it was she needed he didn't think it was him and whatever it was he wanted was no longer her. He spoke these words staring into the ground.

:There's something else.

:What?

:There's someone else.

She scoffed.

:Who?

:She wants to stay married and I want her to want to stay married, it's just fun and games I guess, mostly.

Her voice shook for one of two reasons.

:Who?

:It doesn't matter. I thought it would help us. Help me, anyways. Maybe stop counting on you for everything. Get a little attention, no harm no foul. 

:That is some top notch rationalization.

:"Understanding." 

:What kind of monster cheats on a dying woman?

:I thought it would cheer me up. It did. Mostly. I cry just as much. I'm not proud of it. In fact I can barely live with it but that's okay because I don't wanna live for much longer. And I guess you just found out about it. I guess you're so angry you thought you'd do something about it. Doesn't have to be a bullet to the temple. It could be poison. I'm not picky, but we should do it together. Me first, then you.

:This is so fucking dumb. I don't believe you. Who is it? Why don't you just go the whole nine and marry the bitch when I'm gone? My father could give you away.

:I don't want to be around for when you're gone. I want you to kill me.

Spooky this time. Deadpan.

:You're no cheater and I'm no killer.

:So you're thinking about it?

:I'm thinking about how dumb you are. You think I would go through all this just so my dad gets paid out?

:I couldn't care less what happens. I just thought it would make you think about it. 

:This is...

:...tragic. Life was good. Then it wasn't. I've had enough. This works for me.

:You're not old.

:You don't get to be optimistic now. 

She thought about it all. He could have been cheating and she would have forgiven him. She knew he wouldn't kill himself but she had the feeling he actually did want to die. She said something simple so she could say something. 

:I want you to live.

:After all?

:After all. 

:That's not a choice for you to make for me.

:That's not a choice I get to make for either of us.

:Well I wish you would.

She thought about how crass it was for him to want to die in front of someone with no choice at all. She wanted to shake him by the shoulders for a thousand reasons but did not have the energy. Not for this, not for the bagel walk, not for anything. She had watched her mother die and she watched her father hollow out. He would be happy around his daughter and happy around that other woman but never when they were all together so all together rarely happened.

She knew what he meant. She had felt awful and she had been acting awful and she knew he was unhappy but didn't know why it should matter to her despite how much it mattered to her. 

It was a mess. Whether any of what he was saying was true, it was a mess. The other woman? The chain of inheritance nonsense? Who would ask this of anyone? It was unjust. She should be asking. Her pain was tangible while his misery seemed petty and confounded by hopelessness. Still, her light was his light and when it was gone none could say when or if it would return. 

Was this really his plan? Breakfast and suicide pact? It was dumb. It was half baked. It was as half baked as staying with a dying woman. Half baked as the breakfast calzone. It was fatal optimism. It was I can't quit so you must fire me. 

When she looked at him again his face was flat and he knew he had erred somewhere solely on account of the confusion between them. He kissed her silky forehead and held her hand like a wounded bird. 

They had turned around and were approaching the stairs to their building. He picked her up to carry her across the threshold like newlyweds and had to set her down when he dropped his keys. Their fate was uncertain but this would be their last fight. 

It had started raining pretty hard.