i’ll sleep with the window open
so you can come in and
curl up next to me
i’ll sleep with the window open for your
freshly bodiless glistening gossamer
smelling like whatever it was you sprayed yourself like marlboro lights
i can still remember how warm you were for winter in your little blue car and how shocked i was you wanted anything to do with me and how warm you were and how good you smelled and how warm you were and your breath of course and how warm you were and those riddles before that kiss and how warm you were and those other kisses and eventually how mean you got not on purpose but probably on purpose and how spatchcocked and naive i was for all of it
over time you would tell me things that happened to you and i would or would not know how to respond i would know only they were godawful
i always wanted better for you and wanted to be whatever that better was but i was not and now we know that nothing ever would be. maybe something else was but however it was it was not enough because i guess it was all too much in a goodbye cruel world type of way
i’ll sleep with the window open and maybe you can come wafting in like the scent of a cartoon pie and for the first time in my life i’ll know you’re okay. who knows what happens when we die surely not I but
I’ll sleep with the window open knowing some little strand of light that’s you will land on me in the middle of the night and my back will arch and i’ll remember how hard i tried to hold on and why but this time it won’t be any of the holding on it will be the memory of it and i’ll have some dream i hopefully won’t remember
i’ll sleep with the window open so you can waft out again and higher and higher you go into the sky and if i were to look and i wont but were i to you would seem some curling strand i’d try to blink away like i’m blinking now because i’m crying for reasons i believed were gone but they’re not and you are
.
you texted me after almost twenty whole years of silence i suspect we were both killing time between tragedies as always and you texted me and seemed okay and sent some old pictures and seemed fine and told me about your life and seemed happy and let me know you think about me every day because my name has been part of your passwords and i cracked a joke at what an honor it has been to protect you all these years
well it was
