the great what if

it might be worth all the chaos of christmas. the traffic. the noise. the bustle and hustle. maybe.

it might be worth all of that for christmas day. not for the presents or the family or the being in your pjs and slippers but for the stores being closed.

i love how the stores are closed and not many people are on the roads.

the happiest thoughts go through everyone's head: what if it was like this all the time? what if so many people did not exist anymore? i wonder what kind of event would cause that? i wonder how much i would hold my breath hope not to die and pray pray pray to survive so i could live in a world like this.

the great what if is "what if some great genocide swept through and preserved only some, or only me, or none at all?"

this is what everyone thinks as they sit at a light that's red for no reason other than the other light is green. you think about how much authority that light has over you. how if a cop saw you blow it he'd give you a ticket. or maybe he wouldn't because he too knows it's red for a bullshit reason. or maybe he'd give you a ticket for your expired registration and ask if you're drunk because he knows it's red for a bullshit reason but even if the light's red for a bullshit reason you still have to stop at it faggot.

anyways... what if there were just less people? less traffic? shorter lines at the grocery store?

what if i was the last person on earth and i got to walk around in everybody's house? i would get to know all their dirty secrets besides the ones that are only in their head and most people aren't smart enough for dirty secrets that are only in their head. (god knows i'm not. i have a blog for fucks sake) i could go through their gun collections, try on their clothes, drive their cars, i could see how everyone else lives. i would need no conversations and fake friendships to infiltrate their inner sanctums and watch their homemade pornos. i would need to buy no drinks to wear my mail-lady's underwear on my head. i could empty out an inground swimming pool just to burn things.

i've already decided how i'm going to live after the event.

i'm going to live in the movie theater. i will hollow out all the theaters that i don't need but i'll keep a few for church.

i'm gonna be a priest! maybe an elder. whatever you call it, i'm gonna be one of those. i will hear confession and give people the hope they can no longer find. i will have a congregation that will meet at our leisure and we will spend our time fortifying the theater in preparation for attack.

there will be a very large contingent of people who believe the event to be god's work and for whatever reason the survivors were chosen to survive by god. the muslims will rejoice for peace coming to earth. the jews will see that god's chosen people come from all faiths. the christians will say "god has chosen us to survive so we can band together and exterminate those who do not believe The Truth." This work is god's work and they will band together and travel the land scouring it for nonbelievers or misbelievers or anyone who does not know and accept The Truth.

They will come for us and we will have to hold them off. We will train because we must. We will learn discipline not for the physical rhetoric or maintenance but because our survival depends on it. We will make crude weapons out of things we have scoured but we know what they are coming with and they are coming with weapons made of steel and hate once issued by armies.

We know we may die. We know some may defect but we will fight The Truth with the truth and the honesty of our hands and on that day the impure will of unrighteous marauders and purveyors of false hope will meet with honesty ambition and noble purpose.

All of us of the movie theater congregation die that day.

The marauders move on and do the same to each city they touch and ultimately eradicate their enemies until they become their own enemies and they eradicate themselves.

The hopes we cherished and toiled to preserve will burn and die only to haunt the children of our enemies.

Because good people do good things and bad people do bad things. Bad people do bad things to good people and that's how and why bad things happen to good people.

and that's what if.

trust me i play the guitar

and i'm big enough to hide behind