this is a little immature, but fuck it

if you grow up in california
you miss earthquakes when you get older
you talk about the small ones that made you tough
and the big ones that shook your house down
and you miss them

so go back to california
you're not welcome here anymore
all you california girls

go back to your parents' house
call me when you need an aspiring young arsonist.

another thing about god...

do you know where thunder comes from?
that's god laughing
he's laughing at us because we wanted to be better than animals
we said 'give us brains and emotions'
and he said 'sure thing, under one condition, you have to feel them'
but we had already said yes before he could finish his sentence
so we feel them
and they turn us inside out
when we could be just procreating and doing terrible things without remorse
and every now and again it's just too much for him to take
and god and all the angels and deities and spirits just laugh their asses off til they pee
on us

(also funny to them)

polar bears (second draft)

the flat sheet of the tundra is wrinkled, wide, white and shrinking

when i see polar bears swimming i think "swim you dumb bastard swim"
learn how to swim
the rest of you evolved and moved south to the great northwest or maine
why couldn't you do that?
you had to stay behind
the last holdout of an ignoble tradition

you'd better swim you dumb bastard
you should have evolved
if you can't the world won't have a use for you
did it ever?
and i will not come to save you any more than you will swim to the mainland to learn how to ride a tricycle for the russian circus

that's what the other bears did
they evolved
they pedal tricycles in the russian circus
they balance on balls
they eat scraps of tainted meat in between tazings
while you swim into oblivion
and the history of your existence is fossil record and corpses shot by teddy roosevelt for the museum of natural history

why didn't you survive?
you can ride a tricycle

can't you?